Thursday, August 18, 2016

Take Care

Because of the current world we live in, I'd like to encourage all people who have the means, to look out for those who don't. Like handing out a few dollars to the guy standing (or sitting in a wheelchair) at the end of the off-ramp. Like buying lunch for the family standing on the corner—mom in a wheelchair, dad, two young boys—along with your own. This means tipping 20% plus a few extra dollars, because when will you miss a few extra dollars? But that waiter/waitress/delivery person will feel empowered and gain faith in the world when you do. Isn't that a small price to pay for more faith existing in the world?

People have to help people. Our government will never get around to it. And they can't, not enough. It's up to us regular people who have jobs and a little bit to spare.

Just do it.

I give thanks for having a job that gives me a home and food.
I give thanks for a body that's pretty fucked up, but can still hold down that job.

This post is written in honor of my grandparents who taught me to care for people in need. I give thanks for them, up there in heaven where all the angels live.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

the future is fake

turns out, i'm just like every aging or old person who ever lived. can't STAND new culture. like all these catchphrases used in business. it's so fucked up because people don't speak english anymore. what aging or old person could see that coming. there's no such thing as slang anymore because slang is also a kind of replacement for english. catchphrases are a lazy way of speaking. slang was at least fun, rebellious, with secret meaning that you couldn't just look up in urban dictionary, you had to know. 

everything's lazy, like what this ad is used to be that you had to make art or buy the real thing, or later, in the '80s, frame a poster to procure art. these pieces are on the higher end, so maybe they are real, but we sell $159 canvas prints (and shut up about calling it "gicleƩ"). hate it. nothing is real anymore.

the cmo at my company ("chief marketing officer"), who i call mighty mouse, has taken to using the phrase, "double click." as in, "now this is something i'd like to double click on." "let's double click on that because i think there may be something more." seriously. it appeared one day and he hasn't stopped saying it since. one of my smarter team mates used it too, but i'm pretty sure it was an accident and that he felt pure shame afterwards. i believe mighty mouse is using "double click" as a substitute for: "Let's look at this again, see if we can find another way." "I've thought more about this and i think it should be..." etc. THAT IS ENGLISH.

have you heard this newest stupid lazy catchphrase? kill me now.

and photoshop? used to be that a photograph was something you could count on to tell the truth. now it's the biggest liar in media.

what else. music. music is fucking fake too. no one plays instruments anymore and very few actually write their own songs. what the fuck? hate.

negative creep is a favorite nirvana song. kurt cobain thought he had reason to be a negative creep in 1989. imagine how he'd feel about "i'd like to double click on that." what's worse than a negative creep? because that's how he'd feel now.

of course i hate becoming a stereotype. it's not a cool stereotype. "aging or old person who hates new culture," but what choice do i have given what's put in front of my face and into my ears everyday. 

where's my klonopin.

Monday, August 01, 2016

"You Fit into Me"

(thanks for forwarding KL.)

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Boiling Point

Literature boils with the madcap careers of writers brought to the edge by the demands of living on their nerves, wringing out their memories and their nightmares to extract meaning, truth, beauty.
--Herbert Gold

I see you

thanks to

don't miss a thang, y'all!

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Miles Davis and Finding the Right Jazz + Sonic Youth

After days of turmoil caring for our 5-yr-old by myself, I found I was hungering for a certain musical sound. In my head, it was like Sonic Youth, but not. It was random; was it jazz? If it was jazz, what jazz? In my head the sound was chaotic, syncopated and weird. I asked a jazz friend, a bass player, “Who should I be listening to for this sound I feel?”

And while he gave me a number of suggestions, none was quite right. That made it easier to narrow down. Who was missing here?


Of course. Miles Davis, what the fuck is wrong with me? I immediately searched in Spotify and clicked.

Ah, the relief, OH, the relief when I turned Miles on.

What is this need? And what’s the connection between Miles and Sonic Youth?

Sonic Youth is chaotic and overbearing, and completely rob the soul of all sense of self with discordant sound arrangements that travel through dimensions, and build rooms, and become enveloping, all-encompassing...disappearing.

I thought of Jean-Michel Basquiat talking about jazz in the beautiful doc, Radiant Child. I thought of his favorite type of jazz, Bebop. I went through the players...shit!
still not one that fit the bill...who hadn’t I tried?


Chaotic, loud, absolutely sure of its place in space and time, his sound is fucking free flying sound, with the volume, and the travel in and out. It’s random, beautiful chaos. There’s so much freedom in that. It’s a language spoken so clearly, as if to say, “I am reality. I am all.”

To which I say, “I submit. I give it up. I’ll become nothing for sound.”

UPDATE: it was the grateful dead i was hearing. not miles. not sonic youth. the grateful dead were brilliant at playing noise too. known as "drums/space",  they used it as an intermission at shows because they played for three hours. played. instruments. three hours. sometimes four. the drummers would take over and the guitarists, keyboardist and bassist would take a break; then they switched.

sonic youth. miles. the grateful dead. the most beautiful noise three-way you can get. time to put on headphones, listen to this trio, and become nothing. phew.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Nothing is worse than losing your mind...

...but if you survive it, you gain a skill that will make the rest of your life easier than it would have been without.

(Thanks, Jenny Holzer!)

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

100 Galloping Monsters

This girl I know, she gave up too quickly. She was a kid living in a depressed area, she had few skills and was looking at low pay. She said, "I'll never be able to afford it here."

Her mom moved to Oklahoma, that dustbowl of dead opportunity. So she moved to the same tiny town not close to anything. Or anyone. Or any future bigger than the reality right in front of her.

No 21-year-old who lives here ever has enough money, and always gets low pay. I wish I had told her that. You stay and work it, because this is where opportunity lives and without opportunity, life will always be the same. No movement. No growth. No risks. No learning.

To live here at 21, you have to adjust to not eating much. You find a home that will let you split the rent into two payments a month, a place with included electricity. You move into a closet, one big enough just for a futon on the floor and a place for the door to open.

She didn't have a dream, she didn't think she could do it. But what about me? I had no confidence either, but I was filled with the juiced-up anger of 100 galloping monsters. That anger burned like a fever, forever moving me forward. Bad decisions led to mistakes which led to learning, far reaching discoveries, and devastating humiliations.

Just the right amount of insanity is a very good thing. I'm so grateful for the fire inside. I worked San Francisco and I won. 16 years of struggle. Nonstop struggle, with no net, no backup, no parents with a handy check to send. I worked my way up in a creative industry that paid a lot, because of the raging fever. Because I held tightly to the conviction that mediocrity must be avoided at all costs. I could stop eating and I could live in the ghetto and I could survive a nervous breakdown all by myself. And get back up and work more and be abused more, just to make it past the next rung. 

And then, 16 years later, I left the boiling cauldron of City culture. I had won.

And when I won and I was done, I said goodbye and good riddance and went on to have a peaceful life in a quiet town on the other side of the bridge. 

When I was done I put that City in a headlock and threw it down on the ground and stepped on it. "Thank you, tar pit trap, for making me a person I can respect."

Saturday, June 11, 2016


Guy and I are driving along, headed to Yosemite for a weekend holiday when we get into a discussion about Volkswagen.

We love Volkswagen. Our parents drove Volkswagens. It's the "people's car"...that's what it meant, right?

I tell Guy, Volkswagen has the best logo...look at that! I point to a newish version in front of us. He says, "Yeah, but Mercedes is strong too."

I take that, I think about it, tell him, "Yeah, it's strong, but VW has the name in it. The name is the logo." To which guy gave me a solid, non-defeated, "Yeah."

 Story over.