In honor

I was happy just to sit next to her. I didn't need to be doing anything. She didn't need to be doing anything. Her body was soft, round. My body would sink into the space between her body and the sofa, filling it in. Warm. A sweep of love would overcome me, spontaneously, I'd feel so happy and at the same time devastated. The gain and the loss of her had such magnitude, it caused overlap, I cried about both every time I saw her. Which was never often enough.

"She was everything I had, but I couldn't keep…In her eyes, her clear blue eyes. In her eyes, her clear blue eyes."

We could be sad together. We could be bored. We even had insomnia together. She wouldn't forget what I liked, she made sure it was up for offer. Her sense of balance was honed from years of care, but at the same time probably instinctive, not taking much work at all. What a breath to be with that. Relax, stop. No need to carry the load when she was there.

5th grade, 6th, 9th, 10th, 12th. College, new City, bad boyfriend. She stayed close, reassured, kept warm, made sense.

It was 11am today when I got the call 13 years ago.

She was gone.