Nausea on April 2

It was a year ago today when he texted me. It started out, “Hey Toots Sweet” and ended with “Teddy Bear kisses to the pretty potatohead princess.” Then he was gone. I guess 2 days later, that night, I don’t know, I don’t ask.

I felt him next to me the other day. His whole self, even his head, he turned to me. I was on his left. He jerked his head to the right to get his floppy bangs out of his face. He smiled crooked at me and then looked down. Then it happened again. Then it was over. 

I feel him sometimes when I’m hugging my daughter, reassuring her, giving her extra love energy. I feel like he watches that. Maybe I just felt that way about him. I’d hug him like he was a child who needed to be reassured that they are loved. Loved so much, and it’s all ok.

I’ll never forget that time Guy, b0b and I were waiting outside that theatre on Van Ness for our screening to start. He was late. Guy was pacing, looking right down the street, then left. Then suddenly he was there. Bouncing. His hair bounced. His feet bounced. He was happy and said something funny along with “Hi.” He looked interesting, his outfits, they always were interesting, I found the choices surprising. This one was sporty in nature. A white sweatsuit, but too big and made of polyester. A bit shiny. There were yellow sport stripes on the arms or legs. Guy said, “What’d you do, run here?”

Which was very funny because he lived in Oakland at the time.

He would tell us, “Hey Guy and Lou! I’m spinning at this warehouse party, come on sometime around 1. A will be there too.” And we’d look at each other and say, “yeah, right. Like we’re gonna go out to a warehouse where sweaty kids are swooning on X in the middle of the night. No thanks.” And I never did. I never saw him do his art, his real art. He was a legend in that world and I didn’t know it, and I didn’t see it and I just didn’t show up.

I really regret it. What the fuck was I thinking? That everything is forever?! GUESS WHAT IT ISN’T.

From PT Anderson's Magnolia, "...the fucking regret and guilt, these things, don't ever let anyone ever say to you you shouldn't regret anything. Don't do that. Don't! You regret what you fucking want! Use that. Use that. Use that regret for anything, any way you want. You can use it, OK?"