this is little T. and we're watching her while her parents rock it out with the butthole surfers in austin over the holiday. just kidding. i wish. although they are in austin.
little T. has been a joy. the only difficult thing is morning when it is imperative that one rise with the sun to let her out for her morning due.
She's gained a lot of weight, and it seemed movement beyond a strum or two was way over her energy limit. Her hair was long and stringy and settled on her shoulders in a tired way. She did not smile. She did not say, "Hey, We're the Breeders, we're from Dayton!" Kim was barely there and it made her sweat a lot too. Looking at her made me sad.
Kelley is the new star of the Breeders. She's the the same size Kim was when D. and I met her. A healthy-sized woman with a huge smile, a clear voice and a good-time-girl sense of humor.
They explained the absence of Carrie Bradley this time. "She fell in love and moved to New York. She's very happy. It's disgusting." Guess who said that? The new star of the show. Kim said nothing.
I'm worried about Kim Deal. She appears to have lost her joie de vivre. Kim's joie has gone missing right along with her beer habit. I can't help but notice these two notable qualities grasped hands and left the building at the same time.
Slim's was practically empty. It was the first non-sold out Breeders show I've ever been to - spanning some time, like since 1994. Kim. Kim!! Dude! What happened to your love??
I was five people back from the stage and able to dance like a maniac. Just before the show I made a couple of friends. They LOVE the Breeders, but the guy had never seen them, "Oh, they're always amazing," I told them, "Always a fantastic show. They rip." UHHHHH, oops.
Wrong call, a bad night. Bad call, a wrong night.
They opened with Tipp City and played only one other Amps song, the only other one that shreds, Empty Glasses, "Where's my other shooooe?!" We also heard Roi, New Year, Cannonball, No Aloha - maybe the best song of the night, I Just Wanna Get Along, Divine Hammer, Bang On, Shocker in Gloomtown, It's the Love (Kim did one thing perfect and that was the little tiny "OW!" during that song), Happiness is a Warm Gun, Safari, and what was almost the most perfect closer ever - the beautiful Fortunately Gone.
What a shame the band didn't end it there, that the show had to end with the sad silence of a crowd who couldn't get it up enough to invite them back with clapping, whooping, stomping nor screaming.
As I considered leaving before the end of the show to sit in my car and smoke a bowl, Kim and Co. came back with Overglazed, an exciting song, one that would have been another good closer, but not for a band that has lost all sense of themselves. Instead they chose to end the night with their insanely boring Spanish song, "Regalame Esta Noche," which followed.
There is one song I have not mentioned. One song was played that personified the whole evening as a sad, overweight woman who's lost her joie...Drivin' on 9. What, you say! Nuh-uh. Drivin' on 9 is always a highlight! Um, yeahhhh, not anymore. Not without Carrie Bradley, not without the redhead dread girl and certainly not with Kelley playing the violin that she learned "just for this song." I have to say this, and it bums me out, but Kelley has not learned to play the violin yet. What she has learned is how to touch the bow to the strings and make popping sounds that are weak, out of tune and out of time.
The Breeders are on crutches. I hope they heal soon.
this is the pathetic remains of my DVD collection. Five years ago i had three times as many...all movies i loved, no, "oh i'll just buy something to watch tonight." no. i loved them all, but had to sell them. unemployment took all my cds too.
this collection is what remains and while it is pathetic, it is also kind of beautiful because these are the ones i COULD NOT BEAR to sell. i went hungry instead.
lost in translation: beautiful from the get-go. the dialogue, or what some say is a detrimental lack of dialogue is perfect. it's more based on reality than most movies in that way. having grown up with sofia coppola, yet having never known her, i can say from simple osmosis that this movie is completely authentic to her, the way she speaks, moves...one of the best scenes in cinematic history is when scarlett and bill murray are laying on a bed, fully clothed, resting after a night of partying...and she's facing him in a c-shape, while he lies flat on his back. she asks about marriage. she asks if it gets easier. he says no. and yes. the conversation is so natural, it's incredibly intimate in the way it invites you, the watcher, to watch even closer...it feels almost like cheating. the last shot of the scene has her bare toes curl up against this leg and he puts his hand on her foot. CUT! scene over. total perfection. absolutely gorgeously done. and i was really super proud of sofia when she won the oscar. FAVORITE LINE(S): Charlotte: "25 years. That's uh, well it's impressive.
Bob: Well you figure, you sleep one-third of your life, that knocks out eight years of marriage right there. So you're, y'know, down to 16 and change. You know you're just a teenager, at marriage; you can drive it but there's still the occasional accident."
Kurt Cobain About a Son: a first-of-it's-kind documentary. the movie consists of two elements. 1.breathtaking cinematography of washington state and the geography where Kurt grew up. 2.kurt narrating the whole movie. his narration is taken from interviews with michael azerrad, a respected rock writer. kurt obviously trusted him and talked A LOT. hearing his voice over the scenery is super effective, fascinating, impressive, sad AND hilarious at times. kurt was a very funny guy. a top film in my book.
Corporate Ghost: Sonic Youth The Videos - not even a DVD i watch more than once a year if that...still very enjoyable. i mainly keep it for the Mildred Pierce video starring Sofia Coppola (lucky bitch) and the 100% video starring her ex-husband Spike Jonze (hot).
Magnolia. jesus there aren't enough words to describe this epic character study straight out of the beautiful mind of PT Anderson, writer and director. the fact that he didn't win every top prize for this one, is simply mind-blowing. i think he might have an enemy on the academy judgement squad. and elsewhere too. clear discrimination. there is no way anyone could watch this 3-hour sprawl and not realize it's incomparable genius. philip seymour hoffman, as always is just unreal in his character immersion. a lot of people won't watch the film because of the horrific tom cruise. LAME. not only does the character "tom cruise" disappear, but the character he performs, Frank TJ Mackey, that PT created is...well, like nothing you've ever seen, like something unbelievable to behold, like you won't ever forget his scenes. Same with Julianne Moore, but in a totally different way. Magnolia was also the last film performance by Jason Robards and it tears your heart out. FAVORITE LINE(S): "And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that this is not just "Something That Happened." This cannot be "One of those things...” This, please, cannot be that. And for what I would like to say, I can't. This Was Not Just A Matter Of Chance. Ohhhh. These strange things happen all the time."
"NO, it is NOT dangerous to confuse children with angels." Heavenly Creatures: ahhh, peter jackson. no one could ever guess that peter jackson made this movie AND those Lord of the Ring flicks. seriously. creatures is psychotic in a very subversive way. kate winslet's first movie, and you won't believe your eyes or ears. she's freaking brilliant. she plays it to the max. good move. a stunning film. intense from frame one. you sit and stare and are shocked at what you see in a movie that looks like nothing out of the ordinary at all. HA HA on you. FAVORITE LINE: "All the best people have bad chests and bone diseases. It's all frightfully romantic."
Freddy Got Fingered: when i really get into hating people, one of the reasons is the universal panning and total cluelessness the world exhibited towards this movie. it's painfully funny. if you're into non-sequitor humor there is absolutely no better a film (save for Life of Brian or other python stuff). if there was an oscar given out to funniest, most senseless and yet smartest non-sequitor comedic movie...Freddy would win if the Pythons weren't involved. FAVORITE LINE: "You can't hurt me, not with my cheese helmet!"
The Good Girl: written by one of my favorites, Mike White. the good girl is melancholy and real...it gives you an exact feeling of a worst nightmare: the total tedium and dread that accompanies realizations of how easy it can be to make the wrong decisions about big choices - where to live, and what to do. and then for some, the feeling of absolute relief that maybe they made the right choices because their lives aren't nearly as annoying as the characters' in this empathetic, and sometimes really funny, film. mike white clearly gets that you have to laugh at the most horrible of things sometimes. Zoe Dechanel is a stand-out character as a hilarious store clerk who convinces old ladies to wear tons and tons of makeup, just to kill time. FAVORITE LINE(S): "I was looking at you in the store and I liked how you kept to yourself. I saw in your eyes that you hate the world. I hate it too."
"It's French, from France. It's called Cirque du face."
Punch-Drunk Love: another brilliant movie that some people won't see simply because they can't imagine Adam Sandler in a dramatic role. too bad for them. he's incredibly stirring as a super neurotic, lonely guy who finally meets a woman who gets him. PT, as always, uses sound to control you. when sandler and emily watson finally kiss, the slow swell of music that's been very very quietly picking up is so overwhelming that when their lips touch, the emotional well you didn't even know was building, suddenly explodes out of your chest and heavy, fat hot tears come pouring out of your face. SO powerful. god. i gotta go watch it right now. OH, there is another sweet technique PT came up with in collaboration with the late artist Jeremy Blake - large sweeps of color called Scopitones that weave in and out of scenes that make you feel like you're standing in the brightest sunlight and it's caught you off guard and you can barely see but you know the world is still moving around you. it's a combination of digital art and film in a way that i've never seen. but of course, this is PT Anderson! i never owned my own copy of Boogie Nights, or his second film would be in this stack as well. the ex got it in the divorce. one more note about Punch-Drunk - the always unbelievable Philip Seymour Hoffman. that guy is the best contemporary actor i can think of. FAVORITE LINE(S): "I didn't ask for a shrink - that must've been somebody else. Also, that pudding isn't mine. Also, I'm wearing this suit today because I had a very important meeting this morning and I don't have a crying problem."
"I have so much strength inside of me. You have no idea. I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine." The Pixies: Live and Videos - i love it for the live part. they were so strong and great. kim never stops smiling. they fucking shred and that's all there is to it. i consider this medication in DVD form.
Downtown 81: starring Jean-Michel Basquiat. he walks around NYC randomly talking to people. it's incredibly boring. but what a treat to get to see the sweet, sensitive, talented jean-michel in actual motion. i feel privileged. also of note: john lurie has a two-second spot. jean-michel is walking down the street and runs into john lurie. they say hi and then pass and that's it. i find myself starved for more lurie circa 1981. HOT HOT HOT. i was so meant to be in NYC in the late-70s, early 80s but i was born ten years too late to catch the undeniably cool scene happening then. maybe i could have even met thurston moore and beat kim gordon to the punch. and become a famous painter and lived in a real warehouse and taken dexedrine while listening to chaotic punk rock at CBGBs. Downtown 81 reminds me of my fantasy life.
Fishing with John: there is no way to quantify john lurie. he's funny as shit. a total non-sequitor spewer with no shame. he does what he wants to do and it's always extra funny because he's like 6'7" and falls and dances his way over the surface of the earth. "Fishing" is the result of a tall geek with a crazy creative idea he made happen. not something you'd expect from an avant-garde jazz composer and player (the Lounge Lizards). John's crazy idea is to invite his odd celebrity friends like dennis hopper, willem dafoe, jim jarmusch and tom waits to go fishing with him in remote locales like costa rica, thailand, jamaica etc. hi-jinks, silliness and plenty of bitching ensue. john brings a lot of joy to the word with his music (the show theme song is very special) and his own free-form creative lunacy. This DVD will put you in a good mood. another little DVD Rx. best for weekend mornings. FAVORITE LINE(S): see video
Monsturd: the very first purposefully stupid movie i ever liked. Also went to high school with these guys. they were infamous for many reasons. one of them would come to school dressed as a nun (and later got caught smoking pot in said nun costume). the other as David Letterman. they made high school infinitely more interesting.
Chuck and Buck: what can i say? this is the most uncomfortable-to-watch movie ever. again written by the great Mike White...with a perfectly matched score. "Ooodly ooodly ooodly fun fun fun. yeah." the film employs mostly non-actors. vital. a character study you've never seen before in the protagonist Buck, also played by Mike White. sickeningly hilarious. Annie Hall: another obvious love. woody and diane. i was introduced to woody allen and annie hall specifically by my first boyfriend in college. we felt intensely related to the characters. he was short, ambitious, hilarious and neurotic. i was tall, thin, insecure and smiley. later, with other boyfriends and maybe my ex-husband it was pointed out again to me that we are just like them. honestly, i'd have to say only the first boyfriend really fit the woody bill (ha, i said woody bill) if only because he was the only jew of the lot. FAVORITE LINE(S): see video, first two jokes.
Free Tibet: What a lineup. sonic youth, beck, cibo matto, yoko ono, the beastie boys, bjork...too many to count. magically i had a backstage pass. for six hours i hung out with these people listening to bands play from the side stage. i talked to bjork and yoko ono and sonic youth. i was afraid of everyone else. especially beck when he caught me staring. his huge blue eyes fixed on mine and i had to slowly walk away. a tremendous day in every aspect, one i felt i worked my whole life to gain. funnily enough, an old coworker of mine was back there, as well as the aforementioned ex-high school classmate sofia coppola. what weird and beautiful day. at one point i danced right in between dave grohl and thurson moore. sometimes i can't believe that ever happened. The DVD has all the live performances and a huge history on the country of Tibet and it's people. oh, lest i forget, i also got to talk to real tibetan buddhist monks. they were so kind and soft and sweet and gentle and wonderful to be around. the entire day was a full mind-blow. right out of every orifice.
FAVORITE LINE(S): Sonic Youth, seen below at 3:14.
when eating, roof of mouth feels like it's been punched. sustained pain. extreme pain between shoulder blades as result of not sleeping. not sleeping for three days in a row. aural hallucinations - listened to tv for three hours while not sleeping. no tv was on. heard and was able to sing along to commercials. heard infomercials all night which is exactly what would have been on between 2:30am and 5:30am. two big falls down the stairs. one outside. one inside. smash head into shower stall out of pure frustration. bruised head. vibrating foot when i realize i've left my iphone somewhere and i don't know where. find iphone. vibrating stops.
still no sleeping. no amount of drugs help. no combination of any amount of drugs helps.
i find myself obsessed with Fight Club all of a sudden. I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection. I am Jack's empty pill box. I am Jack's 15-year-old socks. I am Jack's forgotten dream. I am Jack's dirt star. (This is going to be injury Log #9 because i haven't written #8 yet and it's almost time for #10. i don't want to be behind.)
oh yeah, BB's girlfriend, C. i was thinking how she reminded me of a woman in a woody allen film i still can't nail down* in my mind. when he showed me the picture all i said was, Wow, I really like her collection of bottles over the door.
the things that you think about in the morning.
oh yeah, maybe i was thinking about my dad and my step-grandpa who died last Friday.
dad and i finally agreed on something. when you say goodbye to someone when they're about to die or when they die, everything that happens right after is moot. the funeral. the guy who you hire to stand behind a podium and talk about the person they don't know who just died. and you have to sit there and listen to the droning and then it's over and then what. what. what. what.
then nothing.
goodbye happens for different people at different times. saying goodbye to my bio-dad happened with a release of balloons over the pacific ocean, with a prayer with my mom, with tears...and then dinner.
my dad said he'd been saying goodbye to his dad for a long time. i was really pumping him for emotion. come on dad! show me some feeling!! stop the robotics! every time after i asked him what he was feeling about losing a parent, after i said But Dad, Doesn't it feel kind of weird? he told me that it'd been coming for a while and that grandpa had been in pain and that it was really a blessing. But Dad. How does it feel to you? turns out he'd been answering me all along.
he said goodbye long before the death. he said goodbye when the man he knew disappeared under the cloak of alzheimers. he doesn't feel much anymore at all about the goodbye it happened so long ago.
he said when i said goodbye to my (bio)dad, it was sudden and that was the difference.
all i know is bio-dad's ashes are on their way to my house from Louisiana right now. no need to sprinkle them in the mississippi. no need to have someone talk to me about my bio-dad who no one really knew him but me (because i am half him and no one else in the world was half him). no need for ceremony. it took me a year and a half to realize this. a year and a half of guilt.
when all along, i had said goodbye on the beach with my mom right after he left.
his ashes will sit next to syd i guess. i don't know. my bio-dad's flesh and bones and hair and even his hernia in a box?
i told my friend yesterday that i hate life. it's so cruel and arbitrary. and she. her comeback was positive and surprised me but shouldn't have. she told me: K: don't hate life there is so much to love in life so much me: thank you. tears... K: coffee and music and colors and nice fabric and big hearts and clear streams me: nice fabric K: yeah, like velvet
so i say goodbye to the grandpa. the step-grandpa. bye.
*nailed it. BB's girlfriend looks like the actress who plays Annie Hall in Alvy Singer's (woody allen) play based on real life (the movie Annie Hall). phew. that was a toughie.
Kim Gordon has designed a jacket. she is using the name Mirror/Dash as her label name. this is extra awesome because mirror/dash is the name kim and her delicious husband thurston record under when it's just them and not the whole band.
i want this jacket more than any other material object in the world. i cannot stop thinking about it. plus i need a jacket. no new jackets have been purchased for over ten years. oh, not only that but it's limited edition. only 50 have been made!!
it costs $415. that is somewhat out of my range. plus i read somewhere that Thurston's not included.
...feels like all the anti-depressants i ever took. no difference there. why should the least popular, least explored of three receptors be different in function?
one spectacular experience, albeit really uncomfortable, is a sort of weird feeling of a lightning bolt going through your brain. it's not hot, but it vibrates while it's in the depths of your brain matter and sizzles out towards the edges.
(image above is of a man and how a laser beam looked that passed through his brain)
Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead. Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed. Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead. He's gone where the goblins go, Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out. Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low. Let them know The Wicked Witch is dead!
As Mayor of the Munchkin City, In the County of the Land of Oz, I welcome you most regally. But we've got to verify it legally, to see...
To see?
If he
If he?
Is morally, ethic'lly Spiritually, physically Positively, absolutely
As Coroner I must aver, I thoroughly examined him. And he's not only merely dead, he's really most sincerely dead.
Then this is a day of Independence For all the Munchkins and their descendants
If any.
Yes, let the joyous news be spread The wicked Old Witch at last is dead!
the person who will take better care of you, your husband, your son. the person who will make it possible for c. to grow up in a kinder, gentler nation. the person most likely to pursue peace and not killing and torture. the person who will make this a fairer country for women and people of color, for the unfortunate and homeless, for the sick and insane.
i am bawling tears of joy and relief. an 8-year nightmare stomach acid fear is over.
i wish you could feel the pride i am feeling right now. it is so overwhelming, my chest is heaving.
something finally right.
(written to my little sister who was unable to pay attention to the election due to debilitating migraines)
I am so jealous of shepard fairey and have been ever since giant.
First of all, it was my plan to be the next jean-michel basquiat and the next keith haring. I loved them more than life itself. What is so great about them? They became famous by giving away their art. Not graffiti. That's ugly. They ran around new york city creating beautiful art on walls and garbage cans and subways. And then they got famous for it.
And that was my plan.
But it didn't happen.
And then shepard fairey came along with giant. He did the same thing.
And got famous.
I *almost* hate him (but I really just hate me for not trusting my instincts).
and then there's the most subversive of them all (identity remains anonymous): banksy. (photo above is of levees in new orleans)
