Unzipped

when guy handed me the phone with my mom's voice on the other end, and a expression of complete dread and sadness on his face, i said one word, WHAT. my mom answered quickly, crying, she said, "Grady's dead."

i turned away from guy, who was watching my face. i felt nothing. i felt like i didn't want anyone looking at me. my friends were behind me in the living room, maybe they heard that something had happened, i don't know. we had been eating pizza and watching the simpsons when the call came. life, so sweet and simple suddenly became something else.

"grady's dead."

then she went in to details i can't remember. they were words that didn't make any sense. they were words from another place, time, planet. they were words from a movie. after they didn't stop right away, i started to hear them. i did not believe them. inside my body i felt things begin to unzip and fall to the floor. like i had layers of skin and soul tissue and emotion that were unzipping right down the front like a hoodie and sliding off my body like a silk bathrobe before a sexy encounter. unzip slowly, slide down arms, fall at feet.

guy sat with me and held my hand. i kept hearing the words flowing out of my mom's mouth and when she finally stopped i said to her, "i can't believe i'm hearing these words. i...what?!" she was telling me that i would have to decide the next day what to do with The Body.

"what? i don't know...i don't understand what these words are. i don't believe the words i'm hearing."

guy immediately got our stuff together to leave and two girlfriends who had been sweetly eating pizza and watching the simpsons with me, came in to the little room where i had stayed after the call ended, trying to believe the words. the words that told me someone i love isn't here anymore, that this person is gone now forever. that that is it. those words.

the girls came in and held me and cried with me and one said, "can you say anything about how you're feeling now?" i told her i felt guilty. she held me, and my other friend held my hand and cried with me. in my mind, i said "i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry." over and over.

then it was time to go. guy had our stuff together. there were two other men in the house. poor guys. they don't know what to do when tears come out of girls' faces. one of the guys hung loosely around the door leading to the small room that i was in. the other had disappeared somewhere in the house. he might have been explaining what happened, to his young son. he might have been avoiding the words that didn't belong.

i called out, where are you? and said goodbye and he appeared and said, I'm so sorry. those are words that make sense. they are the three most important words when death hits. i said, "it's ok." like it was actually ok, like an idiot. like a robot. "it's ok." right. it has never really been less ok in my entire life, but whatever.

then guy and i drove home. i did not speak. i couldn't. i just stared and felt the emptiness that was suddenly all around me in place of the world that i know.

after about an hour of silent driving, he turned the radio on.