I'm glad I wrote this when it happened. I wouldn't have it in me to totally relive it, or the memory most likely. This is a letter I sent my girl friends right after my daughter, RX was born.
Hey Girlfriends,
I haven't had a chance to speak with anyone about what happened on March 26, except for a couple
of yous. I'm still healing from the labor. It lasted 3 days and nights. The last 24 hours were spent in the hospital, but the previous 45
were spent at home. I tried going in to the hospital the first
time I felt the pain was unbearable but they
sent us home. Not dilated enough, though they'd keep me if I'd let them induce labor. I was still hoping for a natural birth, so I went home
and just dealt with it on my own. I remember pounding the bed as the
pain took over my body with every contraction. I wasn't able to breathe at times! By the
third day I hadn't slept in two nights and the pain was ridiculous. I
really
couldn't take it, so we went in and they kept us. What followed
was active labor for 24 hours. I asked for my planned painkiller, nitrous oxide, right away, which
was awesome; I sucked on it
for the first 18 hours, then asked for an epidural. I figured I
deserved the epidural, and I was exhausted. I wanted to be able to push and not
have a c-section which can happen if the mom is too tired to push when
the time comes. I feel like I made the right decisions under some crazy-weird circumstances.
RX's head was bent sideways, the cause
of the unusually long labor. She was coming out ear
first! By the third hour
of pushing super super hard, they said she
should be out, that something's wrong. A quick ultrasound showed that she
was not only posterior, but her head was completely sideways! It
was 3am. They said they thought I could push her out, but that they
needed to assemble a team for an assisted delivery. The merconium was thick and dangerous for her. What "assisted" me, was up
to me. They said, We've got forceps and a vacuum. They told me the
forceps are now considered much safer and less painful for the baby,
but that I would likely tear. I had one question, What's better for her? FORCEPS. They
called the chief
of staff in. Then about 30 more doctors, and my birth
became a classroom. I guess there aren't a lot
of forceps births. It
was a big deal. The chief
of staff (an old guy who reminded me of "House") directed the doctors like a conductor. My awesome doctor and
midwife told me they call that kind
of birth a Rock Star Birth. Because
of the large audience.
It was intense. My mom, mother-in-law and sisters were in the room, besides Guy. Sister B. says she feels like a stronger person just for witnessing it all. Guy was amazing. He was at my side counting every single push for 3
hours! They put me in every position possible. Fortunately, the
epidural was light enough that I could feel her coming down with each
contraction and I could squat. Guy kept his eyes on me the whole time.
My mother-in-law says she will never forget two things during the
labor: that I didn't complain about the pain with each contraction,
that I simply said, "here she is" as I got ready to push. "Here she
is" over and over. She said I responded, "ok" to every suggested position including one involving a seatless metal
stool on top of the bed. I remember several women hoisting me up.
My doctor's name was Juno. How funny. She was so so awesome, and the
midwife, Suzanne. Also, the BEST. She looked like Annie Leibovitz. Juno
was the spitting image
of Sinead. So I had Annie Leibovitz and Sinead
O'Connor on my team. I totally love them, still. They were so
encouraging and used all the right words. Such smart people. My heroes!
Back to the Rock Star Birth: After they pulled out the forceps and
found the right size, and the diminutive doctor who used them was fully
instructed by the chief
of staff, they went in. I didn't feel too much
thank god. It was apparently too brutal for Guy to watch. He kept his
eyes on me. I felt like I was being pried apart, but it didn't hurt.
If I hadn't gotten the epidural when I did, I would have had a forceps experience without pain medication! After three pushes with the
forceps
RX came out. I can't even think about it right now without
bawling. Her head was so long, she looked like one
of the baby aliens
from Alien. I saw lots
of white and then she was gone. They had told me
they'd need to take her right away to check her breathing because
of
the merconium. Guy went with her. She cried on the way and they didn't
need to interfere at all! They wiped her down and put her naked on my
chest. Shit, I can't stop crying as I write this. I didn't see her face
for the longest
time. It was buried in my neck. I put my hand around her tiny butt and
just held her. I tried to soak her into my skin. Two doctors stitched me up. Then, suddenly all the doctors were gone. It
was just Guy, me, RX
and a nurse. It was so quiet. The concert was over. It was 4am. As we
left, I saw there was blood all over the floor. I said, It looks like
there was a war in here. The nurse that remained said, "Yeah, a war in
your vagina."
Afterward: flash forward 5 weeks. I still pee in my pants every day.
The remaining uterus blood is finally gone, but I have to wear a fat pad. I have
stitches down below, and I don't even know where. Everything still
feels out
of place down there. I'm afraid to feel around. I had a couple nightmare mornings laying on
the floor
of the bathroom trying to take a shit that refused to budge because the doctors thought a softener would be enough for the gallon of epidural narcotics they put in my spine. I couldn't believe I was still having to labor after all the
labor! "Why, god, why?!!" Better now, though. Just can't feel when I'm
gonna pee and even the tiniest amount will escape without my
permission. Typical to me, I've returned twice to the doctor to make
sure this is still normal and they assure me it is. I killed some nerve
endings with all the pushing in labor. The tear
of my perineum is 2nd
degree. Through the skin and the soft tissue below. I guess it can get
worse: 3rd degree. This means your sphincter is torn and I don't guess
they heal at all, you just shit your pants for the rest of your life. You'd wear diapers much longer than your child.
RX is so freaking beautiful I can't stand it. She has started to
smile at us. Right at us. Everyone, doctors, nurses...say she is
strangely alert. She's lifting her head already and sleeps 6 hours at a time every
night. She has a bit
of colic, or just general stomach upset, but I've
found a miraculous homeopathic remedy that calms her in about 10
minutes. She's awesome
in every way. I love her hands — her fingers are long and slender and
she moves them around so gracefully, like a ballet.
RX is definitely going to be a tall girl. Yay! She was 22" at birth,
now she's maybe 2" longer, growing out
of her newborn outfits and
moving into the 0-3month size. Breastfeeding is a snap, albeit painful.
She latched on with her first try. She is so strong-willed. We think
she pretty much takes after Guy in the looks department. Needless to say, her smile is like a golden ray
of sunshine.
love,
lou
