I'm glad I wrote this when it happened. I wouldn't have it in me to totally relive it, or the memory most likely. This is a letter I sent my girl friends right after my daughter, RX was born.
Hey Girlfriends,
I haven't had a chance to speak with anyone about what happened on March 26, except for a couple of yous. I'm still healing from the labor. It lasted 3 days and nights. The last 24 hours were spent in the hospital, but the previous 45 were spent at home. I tried going in to the hospital the first time I felt the pain was unbearable but they sent us home. Not dilated enough, though they'd keep me if I'd let them induce labor. I was still hoping for a natural birth, so I went home and just dealt with it on my own. I remember pounding the bed as the pain took over my body with every contraction. I wasn't able to breathe at times! By the third day I hadn't slept in two nights and the pain was ridiculous. I really couldn't take it, so we went in and they kept us. What followed was active labor for 24 hours. I asked for my planned painkiller, nitrous oxide, right away, which was awesome; I sucked on it for the first 18 hours, then asked for an epidural. I figured I deserved the epidural, and I was exhausted. I wanted to be able to push and not have a c-section which can happen if the mom is too tired to push when the time comes. I feel like I made the right decisions under some crazy-weird circumstances.
RX's head was bent sideways, the cause of the unusually long labor. She was coming out ear first! By the third hour of pushing super super hard, they said she should be out, that something's wrong. A quick ultrasound showed that she was not only posterior, but her head was completely sideways! It was 3am. They said they thought I could push her out, but that they needed to assemble a team for an assisted delivery. The merconium was thick and dangerous for her. What "assisted" me, was up to me. They said, We've got forceps and a vacuum. They told me the forceps are now considered much safer and less painful for the baby, but that I would likely tear. I had one question, What's better for her? FORCEPS. They called the chief of staff in. Then about 30 more doctors, and my birth became a classroom. I guess there aren't a lot of forceps births. It was a big deal. The chief of staff (an old guy who reminded me of "House") directed the doctors like a conductor. My awesome doctor and midwife told me they call that kind of birth a Rock Star Birth. Because of the large audience.
It was intense. My mom, mother-in-law and sisters were in the room, besides Guy. Sister B. says she feels like a stronger person just for witnessing it all. Guy was amazing. He was at my side counting every single push for 3 hours! They put me in every position possible. Fortunately, the epidural was light enough that I could feel her coming down with each contraction and I could squat. Guy kept his eyes on me the whole time. My mother-in-law says she will never forget two things during the labor: that I didn't complain about the pain with each contraction, that I simply said, "here she is" as I got ready to push. "Here she is" over and over. She said I responded, "ok" to every suggested position including one involving a seatless metal stool on top of the bed. I remember several women hoisting me up.
My doctor's name was Juno. How funny. She was so so awesome, and the midwife, Suzanne. Also, the BEST. She looked like Annie Leibovitz. Juno was the spitting image of Sinead. So I had Annie Leibovitz and Sinead O'Connor on my team. I totally love them, still. They were so encouraging and used all the right words. Such smart people. My heroes!
Back to the Rock Star Birth: After they pulled out the forceps and found the right size, and the diminutive doctor who used them was fully instructed by the chief of staff, they went in. I didn't feel too much thank god. It was apparently too brutal for Guy to watch. He kept his eyes on me. I felt like I was being pried apart, but it didn't hurt. If I hadn't gotten the epidural when I did, I would have had a forceps experience without pain medication! After three pushes with the forceps RX came out. I can't even think about it right now without bawling. Her head was so long, she looked like one of the baby aliens from Alien. I saw lots of white and then she was gone. They had told me they'd need to take her right away to check her breathing because of the merconium. Guy went with her. She cried on the way and they didn't need to interfere at all! They wiped her down and put her naked on my chest. Shit, I can't stop crying as I write this. I didn't see her face for the longest time. It was buried in my neck. I put my hand around her tiny butt and just held her. I tried to soak her into my skin. Two doctors stitched me up. Then, suddenly all the doctors were gone. It was just Guy, me, RX and a nurse. It was so quiet. The concert was over. It was 4am. As we left, I saw there was blood all over the floor. I said, It looks like there was a war in here. The nurse that remained said, "Yeah, a war in your vagina."
Afterward: flash forward 5 weeks. I still pee in my pants every day. The remaining uterus blood is finally gone, but I have to wear a fat pad. I have stitches down below, and I don't even know where. Everything still feels out of place down there. I'm afraid to feel around. I had a couple nightmare mornings laying on the floor of the bathroom trying to take a shit that refused to budge because the doctors thought a softener would be enough for the gallon of epidural narcotics they put in my spine. I couldn't believe I was still having to labor after all the labor! "Why, god, why?!!" Better now, though. Just can't feel when I'm gonna pee and even the tiniest amount will escape without my permission. Typical to me, I've returned twice to the doctor to make sure this is still normal and they assure me it is. I killed some nerve endings with all the pushing in labor. The tear of my perineum is 2nd degree. Through the skin and the soft tissue below. I guess it can get worse: 3rd degree. This means your sphincter is torn and I don't guess they heal at all, you just shit your pants for the rest of your life. You'd wear diapers much longer than your child.
RX is so freaking beautiful I can't stand it. She has started to smile at us. Right at us. Everyone, doctors, nurses...say she is strangely alert. She's lifting her head already and sleeps 6 hours at a time every night. She has a bit of colic, or just general stomach upset, but I've found a miraculous homeopathic remedy that calms her in about 10 minutes. She's awesome in every way. I love her hands — her fingers are long and slender and she moves them around so gracefully, like a ballet.
RX is definitely going to be a tall girl. Yay! She was 22" at birth, now she's maybe 2" longer, growing out of her newborn outfits and moving into the 0-3month size. Breastfeeding is a snap, albeit painful. She latched on with her first try. She is so strong-willed. We think she pretty much takes after Guy in the looks department. Needless to say, her smile is like a golden ray of sunshine.
love,
lou
1 comment:
amazing.
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