Of Luck, Lovers and Cancer

i awoke friday morning with hardened mucus-filled nostrils. i coughed and my belly hurt. they told me, All the drugs are coming out of your body now. All the drugs you were given yesterday.

apparently, the drugs escape via mucus.

the surgery went fine i suppose. i awoke with two extra holes in me they failed to mention would be drilled. i don't care though. i'm so happy to not have cancer. i mean, really, if you don't have cancer, you're fine. period. yeah, i've got fibroids galore and scar tissue all over my female organs and endo tissue living in places it should never be, but there's no cancer. and that's all that matters.

as i lay in my private pre-op hospital room with kind, young, good-looking, sincere and thorough doctors, nurses and anesthesiologists coming in to introduce themselves and ask me the same blessed questions over and over, i told guy, I am so lucky to be here. i am so lucky to have insurance. I could be homeless and be this messed up. i am LUCKY.

graciously, he told me i deserve this. that i've worked hard to have a job that would give me this, that i have stayed vigilant and taken care of myself and made it a priority and that is why i am being taken care of, that is why i have insurance and don't have to worry.

to which i had to add, and still stand by...I am also a little bit lucky.

in the operating room, before they put me out, i bore witness to a beautiful orchestration. clanging metal, moving beds, my body picked up and put down with ease, like magic, tons of people working together and quickly. i stared at HUGE lights above me, like i've never seen, beautiful, i loved them, big silver disks, and the room in a way seemed empty and not ready for the complicated song about to be sung. my doctor was nowhere to be seen when they put the mask on my face and told me to inhale the sweet-tasting chemicals. lovely chemicals. mmmm, i really liked the taste and they told me to just inhale deeply, and this i did for a while, like maybe ten breaths and then there was nothing.

then i heard my name and more motion. i was awake and it was over, just like that. more fast-paced beautiful orchestration and my name and them saying, You had every reason to be in so much pain. You've had every reason. It's all been real, you didn't imagine it. We found a real mess in there. It has all been real.

how did they know that i needed to know this? did someone tell them i am extremely somatic and if i get sad, physical maladies befall me like an achy left leg or that before every test i ever took in school i acquired a sinus infection or bronchitis? how did they know that a part of me was prepared to feel like a crazy loser, like i had made it all up, that none of it had been real?

then guy was there and a very nice nurse with red hair was taking care of me and i could barely speak because my mouth was all dried out. it was puckered up like a super old lady mouth, all sucked in like i had no teeth, and my tongue was stuck to the side of my mouth like it had been glued in place. they were going to be a minute before they could get me water, and i could barely speak, so i asked guy to lick my lips. and he did. moisture was immediately restored. i thought of a p.diddy quote i just read, "i have to moisturize my situation and maintain my sexy."

there was much success from the lip-licking, so i asked him, Please lick my tongue. PLEASE. he grimaced and smiled and while he leaned down, i said, Is it bad? is it really bad breath? and he nodded but leaned down anyway and licked my tongue and it was so delicious. moisture is simply delicious.

then we hung out for a while. i got juice and crackers like a good little girl, got some pills, got fentanyl and got ready to leave. after we left, guy ran into stores and drugstores, picking up get-well materials while i called friends and said i was ok in a very sexy drugged out voice.

and then home. and while there was no kitty waiting for me, waiting to love me, waiting to heal me, there was my blonde love waiting to wait on me, sweetly and with care. for this, i am most lucky. for this, i am beyond lucky. for this, i win for luckiest girl of ALL TIME in a cruel universe that kills cats and friends and parents but had spared me on this day, and not given me cancer or a heart attack while under anesthesia. also, there was no earthquake or bomb dropped while i was out and that is REALLY lucky.