my least favorite thing in the world besides cats dying

i don't like sobriety. i never have. before i knew about drugs, i paced a lot and i never slept. i was much more miserable.

while sober, i have a hard time being still. i can't bare the feeling of incessant consciousness. my brain turns into something like a beehive or an anthill. it never sleeps, it never stops moving. besides that i twist my hair a lot and my arms get sore. they really hurt, and i still can't stop!!

my bio-dad can't sit still either, and so he twirls his thumbs. that's right, if he's not smoking, he's twirling. over and over, over and over, over and over. he's been sober 18 months, but a drunk for 45 years.

i am attempting sobriety for a while. the hormones in my body have really messed me up and i have no idea what is causing what, what might be causing which problems. it's like i have to hit reset and it's going to take a few months. i've thought to myself i may be allowed to smoke pot, but i've also decided to try to stop smoking cigarettes (3 days in), or at least see how long i can go, and if i smoke pot, i'm waaaay more likely to smoke the stick.
(some of this paragraph is bullshit. i didn't mean to write bullshit. the truth is, i drink insane amounts of alcohol way too often and that's getting scary.)

i haven't been sober since the 8th grade and discovered that benadryl abuse can be fun. obviously, this is not my preferred mode.