Left brain headache for a week. What does that mean again? That my right side is overly functional? But I’m wrong all the time. I don’t get this thing. Where’s that knob? Somebody turn it down.
Do French fries still cause cancer?
Burn on pointer finger from letting cigarette burn too low. Or is that eczema? When I press on the bubble, it hurts. If it was eczema, it would be itchy. Ok. A burn.
My shrink said all my cylinders are turned up to 11. He said I need to turn them down (been trying to turn them down since day one*). I said, no shit. That’s why I’ve taken approximately 8004 pills, smoked 70 pounds of pot and nearly caught up with my wino dad who died of alcoholism at 65 before the age of 40. He drank Night Train though. I’ve got La Crema Pinot.
*the planet of the apes are coming over that hill right now to get us. I don’t see them, but they’re gonna come over the hill. (wait. Watch. Look harder. Wait. Watch. Look harder). The roof is going to blow off of our house like it did on that guy's house down the street. Better check the security of the ceiling every night before sleep. My parents leave a fire burning in the fireplace. It’s almost out. I can’t sleep. I have dreams of fires starting in the sink in the bathroom. I beg my mom, PLEASE throw water on the embers, PLEASE. She does. I call for my mom from my bedroom down the hall. MOMMY! (wait) MOMMY! “I’ll be right there” she yells. (low voice of my dad, “she’s just trying to stay up. Don’t go back there.” (wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.) more whispering. My mom. Higher pitched. “I’ll be right there sweetheart.” She comes to me because she’s my mom and she really loves me a lot. I tell her I can’t sleep. She rubs my legs with lotion. It calms me. My legs hurt all the time. The doctor says it’s growing pains. I’m four years old.
I cut a cyclist off on my way to work. It’s an accident. Before I can give him the hand motions for, “I’m so sorry!!!” he starts screaming at me. I can hear every word through the soft top of my car. “FIRST OF ALL, THAT WAS ILLEGAL! SECOND OF ALL YOU’RE A FUCKING BITCH!” I heard him start the "F" word and the acid anger that flew through me like a red-hot asteroid paused for a split second. what to do, how to hurt him back…and then I leaned on my horn. Both hands. Both horns. HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK. I was in residential Ross. I think I scared him. I know I couldn’t hear his slanderous and cruel words anymore! I was so mad, I slowed my car way way down and watched him. He slowed way way down behind me. I made his bike ride as painful as possible the rest of the way. You know like when you “PSYCH!” someone out and they jump? I did something similar with my car. What a DICK. And how a little bit psycho of me. I liked that he was afraid of me. After a lifetime of being physically threatened by men, I think I found a way to physically threaten them! This has never occurred before. I felt exhilarated afterward.
Otherwise health is good. Did take a leave of absence from my marriage. I was a vagabond for 6 days. It helped us both find out exactly what we want. Fortunately it’s each other still. I barely cried at all. I had clarity of mind. I am looking forward to 40. It may make me more aggressive, but I was a softie my whole life who never stood up for herself. It may give me dry skin, but I welcome it after years of oily, pus-y cystic acne.
40 for me will be the opposite of me in my entire previous life.
Bring it on. I just hope I don’t kill anyone. Or snap my back.
ADDENDUM: the death of guy's grandma.
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