Thursday, December 25, 2008

Missing The Butts



Dear Butthole Surfers,
I am staggeringly, nauseatingly, groundhog-day living, every single moment crushed when i think of it; crushed like garlic, like stink bugs, like oxycontin...

i'm missing the SF shows. the only west coast shows. at all. since 2002.

i think about how i'm missing your show on new year's eve and i literally put my hands in the air and channel the energy, the energy that wants to know WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY. am i missing these shows. and WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY are you the only band ever of whose shows I've unwittingly missed since leaving high school. ONLY.

just now i looked up the site to see if you had added an LA date. which i would fly to. or drive. whatever. i have now learned that you have added the brilliant Negativland as an opening act on NYE. salt in the wound, guys. salt in the wound. just grind it in. cook it. and eat it.

dudes. i am grateful you are playing for the hordes that will get to see you god knows they need it. we all do. but announcing your first show in nearly 7 years three weeks before a major holiday to take place on said holiday...is just cruel.

it's cruel, butthole surfers.

my heart screams. my hair falls out.
goddammit i'm missing you again because i will be in another country.

FUCK!!!!


sincerely, the girl who would snap her neck for you if you really hit it on "i saw an x-ray...",
louisiana jones

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Eve



well it's the eve of the eve of the day when super cool things start to happen. it's the eve of the eve of the morning in which we open presents we have put under the little charlie brown tree. wow! presents. i did not expect presents to happen this year. and then suddenly there were a ton! and the tree looks so much prettier!

it's the eve of the eve of the day on which we wake up and eat delicious fat juicy cinnamon rolls and drink coffee slowly. that's a tradition in both of our pasts.

it's the eve of the eve of the day when guy and i sit around fat and happy all day. then go to a cocktail party thrown by our off-the-charts, over-the-top, "i'll-join-the-circus-if-you-say-so" cool neighbors, and new friends.

it's the eve of the eve of the day on which we also go visit an old friend. a dear friend. a friend who is the champion in the fight with himself over meth addiction. he's five months clean and going strong. best present ever.

it's the eve of the eve of the day when no doubt i will cry buckets of happy tears, as i am now crying buckets of sad tears while hearing "The Rose" coming off the TV in the next room.

it's the eve of the eve of the day that's two days closer to the darkness turning to daylight, the end of the ever-burdening fluorescent-light reign at work. and to gardening in the evening. and grilling.

it's the eve of the eve of the evening in which guy and i get on a plane and fly to Cozumel, Mexico and arrive very very early or very very late, however you want to say it...and stay up after hours of travel because life around is just too unbelievably freaking exciting. and different. and our hearts pound. and it's that feeling that doesn't come hardly ever. like the happiness can reach the center of your heart the way the fear always can.

so. on this eve of the eve of the day of all this, i say LOVE to you and to tell you that with the fortunate occupation of our New President in the white house in january...that i can now say PEACE to you and really feel it's possible. and goddamn. goddamn if that isn't just the BEST THING EVER.



(hopefully i can check back in on later days before returning on jan. 2. but i'm not bringing the laptop. it won't mix well with the sand i plan to live in.)

Madonna, no more



uh, has anyone noticed? madonna has ruined herself forever!! ugh!! another star to mess up their face with plastic surgery...i just expected more from madonna. isn't she supposed to be smart? a successful mogul? wouldn't someone have told her that a face lift could ruin her? when people don't want to look at you anymore, well, that's a bad business move.

madonna...is hideous. just hideous. watching her cat-like jocelyn wildenstein new face attempt to communicate her emotions and ideas was so wince-worthy on a recent TV interview...seldom have i felt such a strong negative reaction to a person's face as i did hers then.

she was, before surgery, a beautiful woman. truly. you can see it in the face of her young daughter. that lady was gorgeous! and yeah, she aged and got wrinkles! but she also weighs 50LBS. and is toned as a mofo. What happened to her good sense?

MADONNA IS NO MORE!!

As a non-fan, I am still supremely disappointed and icked-out beyond belief. You must see her attempt to speak out of her botox-paralyzed face. there's probably something on youtube. you will not believe your eyes.

SAD. i hope whatever insanity struck her to do such a thing to her beautiful face doesn't strike me. maybe it's like a virus. hopefully not airborne.

Evites, an invitation from HELL



This is a letter to the people,

People.

Stop using evites. They are rude (a guest list everyone can see?). They are insensitive to the person the party is for (an ever-changing RSVP list the guest of honor is privvy to???). They are a sign of outright laziness and lack of creativity (and not the kind that makes beautiful paintings, but the kind that solves problems).

They are clearly a mistake of the modern age and they need to end.

Thank you,
person who is going to hold on to past ideals until her crooked, cold hands are pried apart postmortem.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Sonic Muppet Time


sonic youth! yeah!

and they have a new documentary! (or rather, and more accurately noted, one was made of them...)

and look at the double bill it got in on!

and i missed it! but you can download clips of it here. yes!

the doc is...cute. so far. (hope is for the young filmmakers to find their way out of easyville though.)



(thanks to BH for this info!)

"Fire! Fire on the Mountain!"

guy's business partner had some wood delivered to the house.

the truck pulled up, the driver got out and walked towards the door.

then the truck blew up!
it blew up!
just like that.



it caught the $80k Mercedes next to it on fire.


the Mercedes is done.

the firetrucks came.



they were from George Lucas' compound. they are in fact from the Skywalker Fire Company. Which it seems, was a condition of the county's agreement with him over his property and what he can and cannot do there.

who knew? i don't think E! News knows.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

"and I'm cliimbing the staaairaiirway to hea-ven"



well, i guess i've never come out as a stair-lover. thought that was well-known but if my husband doesn't know it...i'm not so sure.

LOVE STAIRS. it's just another beautiful opportunity to apply design for the same purpose in many ways.

today friend T. sent me an email about his boyfriend buying him a knock-off Gropius bookcase. i don't know who Gropius is. i probably would have learned that in my fourth year of studying art. i don't know. bauhaus is something of a mystery to me.

my research led me to this.

and may i just say that on the TV show, Moonlighting, Maddie Hayes' home staircase blew my mind every week. ALL I WANTED as a 14-year-old was an awesome beautiful extensively insanely elaborate modern staircase. just like hers.

the other ALL I WANTED thing was Bruce Willis as David Addison. he was really sexy back then.

now i'm more into floating staircases or this kind of thing.

and guy. (twinkle twinkle)

(staircase above is sort of what Maddie Hayes' staircase looked like, but hers was longer, wider and more graceful with less verticality)

Saturday, December 13, 2008

amazing, the things i can carry in my hands all at once



1.
cat
pipe
lighter
big bag of tobacco
glass of wine
iphone

2.
large handbag
SLR camera
computer power cord
15" macbook
2 boots
pair of socks
iphone

3.
cigarette
cigarette butt
15" macbook
glass of wine
pot box
pipe
lighter
ideas

Friday, December 12, 2008

Comfort with meaninglessness





gosh, golly, gee. i've never read a better analysis of my step-dad, the programmer ever!

no wonder we couldn't get along. which is an understatement. the only word to accurately describe my exit at age 17 is "BOLTED."

tears tears and more tears, that guy gave me. life is so much better since "dad" has no lockdown privileges. Quarantine is a better description of his discipline practices.

my disease must have been the need for MEANING. my struggle, never hearing WHY.

it's really no surprise he's an atheist.


(above is the only picture that came up in an image search for "meaninglessness," which i'm feeling is probably meaningless.)

Someecard guy does it again


thanks to friend, J. for sending this to me today. how true true true it is.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Injury Log #10



well, this one's different, that's for certain. let's see...first off, i somehow gained a xanax addiction in one week. 8 days. i know i gave at least 10 out of 30 of them away, maybe 13, just to be nice and because i thought getting my refill wouldn't be a problem (doctor gave me three and that i've yet to see any other time). and this is stupid because it's been a problem in the past with klonopin, which i stopped taking 8 days ago. why, one wonders, why oh why would i think it'd be different with another "controlled substance."

one might also wonder, Why the fuck is getting a refill so NOT HAPPENING?? well, i thank nancy reagan for that. what a stupid woman. The War On Drugs. FUCK YOU. pharmacies and insurance refuse to refill until a certain amount of time has passed. to me, this is new. or was it just the City, and the pharmacists there who felt it wasn't their business to say yes or no to business? i think that is possible, oh yes. fucking country. no, i love where i live. (fucking country). so, this lack of control over my own medication has taught me something possibly valuable and that is: i will no longer give this fascist America (soon to change? CHANGE?) that kind of control over my life. i'm done with anything "controlled" by them.

let's see what else. oh, more unusual injuries.
1.The Breeders were so weak, as i have written on this here online ad-free magazine, that it hurt.
2.The Butthole Surfers, who are only eclipsed by Sonic Youth in my Great Big Music Journal of Love, have just announced that they are playing the Fillmore for two nights including New Year's Eve. why does this hurt? BECAUSE I'LL BE IN MEXICO. and while that seems like a big "Wah, Wah, Oh I Feel So Sorry For You," let me say this: i would pay to come home early to see them if i could afford it. REALLY. they have played live um, like THREE times in the last DECADE! and it's been 7 years since the last show.

so, today, while suffering from MASSIVE menstrual cramps, that i spent $20 useless dollars on at Rite Aid for pain management, I also found out that i'm about to be asked to do that shitty admin. work for another month while also operating as a copyeditor AND a production artist at my floundering asshole-run company corporate bullshit job.

as if that all wasn't enough, i'm also out of P.O.T. and, AND when i went for my back-up, the delicious czech liquer, Becherovka...BevMo was out of that.

i got tears, i got rage, i got a desire to drive off a cliff.

fortunately i also got friends.

and ween.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Happiness is a warm puppy



this is little T. and we're watching her while her parents rock it out with the butthole surfers in austin over the holiday. just kidding. i wish. although they are in austin.

little T. has been a joy. the only difficult thing is morning when it is imperative that one rise with the sun to let her out for her morning due.

this is one smart bugger. and so full of love!

she's australian shepard. i recommend.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Breeders. Slime's. 11.14.08.



I'm pretty sure Kim Deal is heavily medicated.

She's gained a lot of weight, and it seemed movement beyond a strum or two was way over her energy limit. Her hair was long and stringy and settled on her shoulders in a tired way. She did not smile. She did not say, "Hey, We're the Breeders, we're from Dayton!" Kim was barely there and it made her sweat a lot too. Looking at her made me sad.

Kelley is the new star of the Breeders. She's the the same size Kim was when D. and I met her. A healthy-sized woman with a huge smile, a clear voice and a good-time-girl sense of humor.

They explained the absence of Carrie Bradley this time. "She fell in love and moved to New York. She's very happy. It's disgusting." Guess who said that? The new star of the show. Kim said nothing.

I'm worried about Kim Deal. She appears to have lost her joie de vivre. Kim's joie has gone missing right along with her beer habit. I can't help but notice these two notable qualities grasped hands and left the building at the same time.

Slim's was practically empty. It was the first non-sold out Breeders show I've ever been to - spanning some time, like since 1994. Kim. Kim!! Dude! What happened to your love??

I was five people back from the stage and able to dance like a maniac. Just before the show I made a couple of friends. They LOVE the Breeders, but the guy had never seen them, "Oh, they're always amazing," I told them, "Always a fantastic show. They rip." UHHHHH, oops.

Wrong call, a bad night. Bad call, a wrong night.

They opened with Tipp City and played only one other Amps song, the only other one that shreds, Empty Glasses, "Where's my other shooooe?!" We also heard Roi, New Year, Cannonball, No Aloha - maybe the best song of the night, I Just Wanna Get Along, Divine Hammer, Bang On, Shocker in Gloomtown, It's the Love (Kim did one thing perfect and that was the little tiny "OW!" during that song), Happiness is a Warm Gun, Safari, and what was almost the most perfect closer ever - the beautiful Fortunately Gone.

What a shame the band didn't end it there, that the show had to end with the sad silence of a crowd who couldn't get it up enough to invite them back with clapping, whooping, stomping nor screaming.

As I considered leaving before the end of the show to sit in my car and smoke a bowl, Kim and Co. came back with Overglazed, an exciting song, one that would have been another good closer, but not for a band that has lost all sense of themselves. Instead they chose to end the night with their insanely boring Spanish song, "Regalame Esta Noche," which followed.

There is one song I have not mentioned. One song was played that personified the whole evening as a sad, overweight woman who's lost her joie...Drivin' on 9. What, you say! Nuh-uh. Drivin' on 9 is always a highlight! Um, yeahhhh, not anymore. Not without Carrie Bradley, not without the redhead dread girl and certainly not with Kelley playing the violin that she learned "just for this song." I have to say this, and it bums me out, but Kelley has not learned to play the violin yet. What she has learned is how to touch the bow to the strings and make popping sounds that are weak, out of tune and out of time.

The Breeders are on crutches. I hope they heal soon.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Gettin' funnies from the funniest



ichat between myself and friend DSB:

DSB: Hello beautiful.

me: How does it feel to be so funny and talented?

DSB: It feels like being naked in Salisbury steak sauce. Warm, safe, yet somehow just not right. And you?

DVDs Adored


this is the pathetic remains of my DVD collection. Five years ago i had three times as many...all movies i loved, no, "oh i'll just buy something to watch tonight." no. i loved them all, but had to sell them. unemployment took all my cds too.

this collection is what remains and while it is pathetic, it is also kind of beautiful because these are the ones i COULD NOT BEAR to sell. i went hungry instead.

lost in translation: beautiful from the get-go. the dialogue, or what some say is a detrimental lack of dialogue is perfect. it's more based on reality than most movies in that way. having grown up with sofia coppola, yet having never known her, i can say from simple osmosis that this movie is completely authentic to her, the way she speaks, moves...one of the best scenes in cinematic history is when scarlett and bill murray are laying on a bed, fully clothed, resting after a night of partying...and she's facing him in a c-shape, while he lies flat on his back. she asks about marriage. she asks if it gets easier. he says no. and yes. the conversation is so natural, it's incredibly intimate in the way it invites you, the watcher, to watch even closer...it feels almost like cheating. the last shot of the scene has her bare toes curl up against this leg and he puts his hand on her foot. CUT! scene over. total perfection. absolutely gorgeously done. and i was really super proud of sofia when she won the oscar.
FAVORITE LINE(S):
Charlotte: "25 years. That's uh, well it's impressive.

Bob: Well you figure, you sleep one-third of your life, that knocks out eight years of marriage right there. So you're, y'know, down to 16 and change. You know you're just a teenager, at marriage; you can drive it but there's still the occasional accident."


Kurt Cobain About a Son: a first-of-it's-kind documentary. the movie consists of two elements. 1.breathtaking cinematography of washington state and the geography where Kurt grew up. 2.kurt narrating the whole movie. his narration is taken from interviews with michael azerrad, a respected rock writer. kurt obviously trusted him and talked A LOT. hearing his voice over the scenery is super effective, fascinating, impressive, sad AND hilarious at times. kurt was a very funny guy. a top film in my book.



Corporate Ghost: Sonic Youth The Videos
- not even a DVD i watch more than once a year if that...still very enjoyable. i mainly keep it for the Mildred Pierce video starring Sofia Coppola (lucky bitch) and the 100% video starring her ex-husband Spike Jonze (hot).



Magnolia. jesus there aren't enough words to describe this epic character study straight out of the beautiful mind of PT Anderson, writer and director. the fact that he didn't win every top prize for this one, is simply mind-blowing. i think he might have an enemy on the academy judgement squad. and elsewhere too. clear discrimination. there is no way anyone could watch this 3-hour sprawl and not realize it's incomparable genius. philip seymour hoffman, as always is just unreal in his character immersion. a lot of people won't watch the film because of the horrific tom cruise. LAME. not only does the character "tom cruise" disappear, but the character he performs, Frank TJ Mackey, that PT created is...well, like nothing you've ever seen, like something unbelievable to behold, like you won't ever forget his scenes. Same with Julianne Moore, but in a totally different way. Magnolia was also the last film performance by Jason Robards and it tears your heart out. FAVORITE LINE(S):
"And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that this is not just "Something That Happened." This cannot be "One of those things...” This, please, cannot be that. And for what I would like to say, I can't. This Was Not Just A Matter Of Chance. Ohhhh. These strange things happen all the time."

"NO, it is NOT dangerous to confuse children with angels.
"

Heavenly Creatures:
ahhh, peter jackson. no one could ever guess that peter jackson made this movie AND those Lord of the Ring flicks. seriously. creatures is psychotic in a very subversive way. kate winslet's first movie, and you won't believe your eyes or ears. she's freaking brilliant. she plays it to the max. good move. a stunning film. intense from frame one. you sit and stare and are shocked at what you see in a movie that looks like nothing out of the ordinary at all. HA HA on you. FAVORITE LINE: "All the best people have bad chests and bone diseases. It's all frightfully romantic."


Freddy Got Fingered: when i really get into hating people, one of the reasons is the universal panning and total cluelessness the world exhibited towards this movie. it's painfully funny. if you're into non-sequitor humor there is absolutely no better a film (save for Life of Brian or other python stuff). if there was an oscar given out to funniest, most senseless and yet smartest non-sequitor comedic movie...Freddy would win if the Pythons weren't involved. FAVORITE LINE: "You can't hurt me, not with my cheese helmet!"




The Good Girl:
written by one of my favorites, Mike White. the good girl is melancholy and real...it gives you an exact feeling of a worst nightmare: the total tedium and dread that accompanies realizations of how easy it can be to make the wrong decisions about big choices - where to live, and what to do. and then for some, the feeling of absolute relief that maybe they made the right choices because their lives aren't nearly as annoying as the characters' in this empathetic, and sometimes really funny, film. mike white clearly gets that you have to laugh at the most horrible of things sometimes. Zoe Dechanel is a stand-out character as a hilarious store clerk who convinces old ladies to wear tons and tons of makeup, just to kill time. FAVORITE LINE(S): "I was looking at you in the store and I liked how you kept to yourself. I saw in your eyes that you hate the world. I hate it too."

"It's French, from France. It's called Cirque du face."


Punch-Drunk Love: another brilliant movie that some people won't see simply because they can't imagine Adam Sandler in a dramatic role. too bad for them. he's incredibly stirring as a super neurotic, lonely guy who finally meets a woman who gets him. PT, as always, uses sound to control you. when sandler and emily watson finally kiss, the slow swell of music that's been very very quietly picking up is so overwhelming that when their lips touch, the emotional well you didn't even know was building, suddenly explodes out of your chest and heavy, fat hot tears come pouring out of your face. SO powerful. god. i gotta go watch it right now. OH, there is another sweet technique PT came up with in collaboration with the late artist Jeremy Blake - large sweeps of color called Scopitones that weave in and out of scenes that make you feel like you're standing in the brightest sunlight and it's caught you off guard and you can barely see but you know the world is still moving around you. it's a combination of digital art and film in a way that i've never seen. but of course, this is PT Anderson! i never owned my own copy of Boogie Nights, or his second film would be in this stack as well. the ex got it in the divorce. one more note about Punch-Drunk - the always unbelievable Philip Seymour Hoffman. that guy is the best contemporary actor i can think of. FAVORITE LINE(S): "I didn't ask for a shrink - that must've been somebody else. Also, that pudding isn't mine. Also, I'm wearing this suit today because I had a very important meeting this morning and I don't have a crying problem."

"I have so much strength inside of me. You have no idea. I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine."


The Pixies: Live and Videos
- i love it for the live part. they were so strong and great. kim never stops smiling. they fucking shred and that's all there is to it. i consider this medication in DVD form.


Downtown 81: starring Jean-Michel Basquiat. he walks around NYC randomly talking to people. it's incredibly boring. but what a treat to get to see the sweet, sensitive, talented jean-michel in actual motion. i feel privileged. also of note: john lurie has a two-second spot. jean-michel is walking down the street and runs into john lurie. they say hi and then pass and that's it. i find myself starved for more lurie circa 1981. HOT HOT HOT. i was so meant to be in NYC in the late-70s, early 80s but i was born ten years too late to catch the undeniably cool scene happening then. maybe i could have even met thurston moore and beat kim gordon to the punch. and become a famous painter and lived in a real warehouse and taken dexedrine while listening to chaotic punk rock at CBGBs. Downtown 81 reminds me of my fantasy life.

Fishing with John: there is no way to quantify john lurie. he's funny as shit. a total non-sequitor spewer with no shame. he does what he wants to do and it's always extra funny because he's like 6'7" and falls and dances his way over the surface of the earth. "Fishing" is the result of a tall geek with a crazy creative idea he made happen. not something you'd expect from an avant-garde jazz composer and player (the Lounge Lizards). John's crazy idea is to invite his odd celebrity friends like dennis hopper, willem dafoe, jim jarmusch and tom waits to go fishing with him in remote locales like costa rica, thailand, jamaica etc. hi-jinks, silliness and plenty of bitching ensue. john brings a lot of joy to the word with his music (the show theme song is very special) and his own free-form creative lunacy. This DVD will put you in a good mood. another little DVD Rx. best for weekend mornings. FAVORITE LINE(S): see video



Monsturd:
the very first purposefully stupid movie i ever liked. Also went to high school with these guys. they were infamous for many reasons. one of them would come to school dressed as a nun (and later got caught smoking pot in said nun costume). the other as David Letterman. they made high school infinitely more interesting.


Chuck and Buck: what can i say? this is the most uncomfortable-to-watch movie ever. again written by the great Mike White...with a perfectly matched score. "Ooodly ooodly ooodly fun fun fun. yeah." the film employs mostly non-actors. vital. a character study you've never seen before in the protagonist Buck, also played by Mike White. sickeningly hilarious.

Annie Hall:
another obvious love. woody and diane. i was introduced to woody allen and annie hall specifically by my first boyfriend in college. we felt intensely related to the characters. he was short, ambitious, hilarious and neurotic. i was tall, thin, insecure and smiley. later, with other boyfriends and maybe my ex-husband it was pointed out again to me that we are just like them. honestly, i'd have to say only the first boyfriend really fit the woody bill (ha, i said woody bill) if only because he was the only jew of the lot.
FAVORITE LINE(S): see video, first two jokes.



Free Tibet: What a lineup. sonic youth, beck, cibo matto, yoko ono, the beastie boys, bjork...too many to count. magically i had a backstage pass. for six hours i hung out with these people listening to bands play from the side stage. i talked to bjork and yoko ono and sonic youth. i was afraid of everyone else. especially beck when he caught me staring. his huge blue eyes fixed on mine and i had to slowly walk away. a tremendous day in every aspect, one i felt i worked my whole life to gain. funnily enough, an old coworker of mine was back there, as well as the aforementioned ex-high school classmate sofia coppola. what weird and beautiful day. at one point i danced right in between dave grohl and thurson moore. sometimes i can't believe that ever happened. The DVD has all the live performances and a huge history on the country of Tibet and it's people. oh, lest i forget, i also got to talk to real tibetan buddhist monks. they were so kind and soft and sweet and gentle and wonderful to be around. the entire day was a full mind-blow. right out of every orifice.

FAVORITE LINE(S): Sonic Youth, seen below at 3:14.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Injury Log #9



when eating, roof of mouth feels like it's been punched. sustained pain.
extreme pain between shoulder blades as result of not sleeping.
not sleeping for three days in a row.
aural hallucinations - listened to tv for three hours while not sleeping. no tv was on. heard and was able to sing along to commercials. heard infomercials all night which is exactly what would have been on between 2:30am and 5:30am.
two big falls down the stairs. one outside. one inside.
smash head into shower stall out of pure frustration.
bruised head.
vibrating foot when i realize i've left my iphone somewhere and i don't know where.
find iphone. vibrating stops.

still no sleeping. no amount of drugs help. no combination of any amount of drugs helps.

i find myself obsessed with Fight Club all of a sudden.
I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.
I am Jack's empty pill box.
I am Jack's 15-year-old socks.
I am Jack's forgotten dream.
I am Jack's dirt star.

(This is going to be injury Log #9 because i haven't written #8 yet and it's almost time for #10. i don't want to be behind.)

When do you say goodbye?


what was i just thinking about...

oh yeah, BB's girlfriend, C.
i was thinking how she reminded me of a woman in a woody allen film i still can't nail down* in my mind. when he showed me the picture all i said was, Wow, I really like her collection of bottles over the door.

the things that you think about in the morning.

oh yeah, maybe i was thinking about my dad and my step-grandpa who died last Friday.

dad and i finally agreed on something. when you say goodbye to someone when they're about to die or when they die, everything that happens right after is moot. the funeral. the guy who you hire to stand behind a podium and talk about the person they don't know who just died. and you have to sit there and listen to the droning and then it's over and then what. what. what. what.

then nothing.

goodbye happens for different people at different times. saying goodbye to my bio-dad happened with a release of balloons over the pacific ocean, with a prayer with my mom, with tears...and then dinner.

my dad said he'd been saying goodbye to his dad for a long time. i was really pumping him for emotion. come on dad! show me some feeling!! stop the robotics! every time after i asked him what he was feeling about losing a parent, after i said But Dad, Doesn't it feel kind of weird? he told me that it'd been coming for a while and that grandpa had been in pain and that it was really a blessing. But Dad. How does it feel to you? turns out he'd been answering me all along.

he said goodbye long before the death. he said goodbye when the man he knew disappeared under the cloak of alzheimers. he doesn't feel much anymore at all about the goodbye it happened so long ago.

he said when i said goodbye to my (bio)dad, it was sudden and that was the difference.

all i know is bio-dad's ashes are on their way to my house from Louisiana right now. no need to sprinkle them in the mississippi. no need to have someone talk to me about my bio-dad who no one really knew him but me (because i am half him and no one else in the world was half him). no need for ceremony. it took me a year and a half to realize this. a year and a half of guilt.

when all along, i had said goodbye on the beach with my mom right after he left.

his ashes will sit next to syd i guess. i don't know. my bio-dad's flesh and bones and hair and even his hernia in a box?

i told my friend yesterday that i hate life. it's so cruel and arbitrary. and she. her comeback was positive and surprised me but shouldn't have. she told me:

K: don't hate life there is so much to love in life so much
me: thank you. tears...
K: coffee
and music
and colors
and nice fabric
and big hearts
and clear streams
me: nice fabric
K: yeah, like velvet



so i say goodbye to the grandpa. the step-grandpa. bye.





*nailed it. BB's girlfriend looks like the actress who plays Annie Hall in Alvy Singer's (woody allen) play based on real life (the movie Annie Hall). phew. that was a toughie.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

That Kim Gordon Jacket


Kim Gordon has designed a jacket.
she is using the name Mirror/Dash as her label name.
this is extra awesome because mirror/dash is the name kim and her delicious husband thurston record under when it's just them and not the whole band.

i want this jacket more than any other material object in the world. i cannot stop thinking about it. plus i need a jacket. no new jackets have been purchased for over ten years. oh, not only that but it's limited edition. only 50 have been made!!

it costs $415. that is somewhat out of my range. plus i read somewhere that Thurston's not included.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Strattera Withdrawal, not so cool


...feels like all the anti-depressants i ever took. no difference there. why should the least popular, least explored of three receptors be different in function?

one spectacular experience, albeit really uncomfortable, is a sort of weird feeling of a lightning bolt going through your brain. it's not hot, but it vibrates while it's in the depths of your brain matter and sizzles out towards the edges.


(image above is of a man and how a laser beam looked that passed through his brain)

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

The Witch is Dead!!!



Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.
Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead. He's gone where the goblins go,
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know
The Wicked Witch is dead!

As Mayor of the Munchkin City, In the County of the Land of Oz, I welcome you most regally. But we've got to verify it legally, to see...

To see?

If he

If he?

Is morally, ethic'lly
Spiritually, physically
Positively, absolutely

As Coroner I must aver, I thoroughly examined him.
And he's not only merely dead, he's really most sincerely dead.

Then this is a day of Independence For all the Munchkins and their descendants

If any.

Yes, let the joyous news be spread The wicked Old Witch at last is dead!

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

"If you care about democracy"

Victory Letter



N,
just so you know, the right person won.

the person who will take better care of you, your husband, your son.
the person who will make it possible for c. to grow up in a kinder, gentler nation.
the person most likely to pursue peace and not killing and torture.
the person who will make this a fairer country for women and people of color, for the unfortunate and homeless, for the sick and insane.

i am bawling tears of joy and relief.
an 8-year nightmare stomach acid fear
is over.

i wish you could feel the pride i am feeling right now. it is so overwhelming, my chest is heaving.

something finally right.


(written to my little sister who was unable to pay attention to the election due to debilitating migraines)

Obama mama



if he wins i will cry. if he doesn't i will cry.

if he wins it won't hurt. if he doesn't it will.

1980 Jones.

On my way back from voting i saw this...obviously it's a good sign.

I think i'll name my firstborn 1980 Jones.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Guerilla Jones


I am so jealous of shepard fairey and have been ever since giant.

First of all, it was my plan to be the next jean-michel basquiat and the
next keith haring. I loved them more than life itself. What is so great
about them? They became famous by giving away their art. Not graffiti.
That's ugly. They ran around new york city creating beautiful art on walls
and garbage cans and subways. And then they got famous for it.

And that was my plan.

But it didn't happen.

And then shepard fairey came along with giant. He did the same thing.

And got famous.

I *almost* hate him (but I really just hate me for not trusting my
instincts).




and then there's the most subversive of them all (identity remains anonymous): banksy.

(photo above is of levees in new orleans)

Thursday, October 30, 2008

"To Each Their Own."


my new friend H is never going to be my good friend H.
but that's alright.
so she likes to chat and has befriended me, which is compliment at the very least. we have nothing in common. we have negative in common we have so nothing.
but it's funny. she's sweet.
she listens to ALICE and goes to ALICE shows...
this weekend she said was
UNREAL.
she was standing right by my and BB's desks when she told the story.
she went to an oprah convention (no irony) and it was "so exciting!" because she and her sister found out somehow that oprah was going to be there even though she wasn't supposed to!!
and she adds, "more than anyone in the whole world i wish she was president. she is the best person in the whole world!"
so i asked, what happens at an oprah convention?
oh you know, all the famous people who work on her show are there giving seminars. like blah blah! "who's that?" i say. she says, Oh you know, from that show 'What Not To Wear' (pause for me to recognize. i do. i hate that show. i nod. she smiles.)
and she says "And blah blah was there..." who's that? i ask, "oh you know she's really famous, she's written like 20 books on spirituality."
then she flew to LA for a screening of the changeling and angelina was present and spoke and she just loves angelina, "she was so beautiful and well-spoken."

BB looks at me sideways with empathy and amusement.

then she asks about my weekend.

"well, on friday, i got home and my husband was passed out because he was up all night the night before recording crazy avant garde pop music. so i got bored fast. i ended up going to bed pretty early, but only because i smoked AN EIGHTH to my head. then saturday we got up and watched a movie. The Brave One, really good! we ended up just staying on the sofa watching on demand and smoking pot ALL DAY. that night my husband went to bed at 7:30 again and i got drunk. fortunately two of my friends came to keep me company. they snorted fat lines off the table so fast and hard, it scared me, but i didn't let it show. i ate a few vicodins that they scored in the tenderloin. i also downed two bottles of wine. WHOA. sunday night was the only time my husband and i left the house and it was to go out to eat. we went to the SP and sat outside. we ordered a bottle of wine and the seafood platter. i was dizzy from so many pills, but found recovery by escaping the television for the first time in three days. Showering helped too."

i'm not sure what made H. think we'd make good friends. she runs triathalons. i compete in smoke-a-thons.

is it my shoes?

Monday, October 27, 2008

"Hey Syd, let's play fetch"



my little friend syd used to do this too. he preferred q-tips. after that, white crumpled up tissue paper. When the game was over, he'd deposit the object into his water bowl.

Art Schmart?



went looking for a picture (above) i saw once, thinking it was a shepard fairey drawing. now i don't think so, but i still love it. well...until i saw that the person who made it has no allegiance to maine coons. now i doubt it's philosophical authenticity. if you wish, it can be bought here, but i plan on redrawing it in Illustrator and printing it at guy's work (sorry, shepard fairey impersonator).



during my search i found this drawing (above) by harmony korine. a man i both love and loathe. i love him for his obscure, weird movie, Gummo – even parts of his weirder, more obscure movie Julien Donkey-Boy – that encapsulates unspeakable moments emotionally and visually perfectly.

and i hate him for his stringent "i worship the devil" philosophy (because worshipping the devil and worshipping christ without hesitation, are two different ends of the same blind wand).

this drawing pushes me even further towards the latter. what a bastard! and isn't that what would make him even more famous...behing such a bastard. oh wait, it hasn't been fake the whole time has it??

the answer? no. but he shouldn't push it. ET is the most recognizable empathetic character to exist since 1970. i feel religious about what he represents. can harmony not handle it? *too much* existential angst? a little *too close* to the truth?

(Oh, duh it's me who can't handle it.)





seriously. there is so much more to make fun of than ET. i suppose that makes the drawing perfect. to my non-CHAG-rilitious-RIN.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Most Memorable Concerts #11-21

find #1-10 here.



11. ZEKE, Cocodrie, 1997. it was midnight and they just came on. "the most dangerous band alive" shredded every living thing within 5 feet of the stage. it was one of those, "thank god i live in san francisco" moments. loud hard fast punk rock at midnight with DP. pure mid-20s magic.



12. L7, Trocadero, 1997. ROCK ROCK ROCK ROCK. donita sparks... well, you know. she's the shit. also saw Sluts For Hire open. loved sluts. bought their cd. listened until it broke. looked 'em up on online to buy a new copy. found out "falling james" was their producer (?). he was previously married to ms. courtney love. my how things move in circles. we exchanged emails. he told me he would love to send me a new Sluts CD, but that would mean he'd have to dig through some shit. which means it probably won't happen. and that was that. fun exchange with COURTNEY LOVE'S EX-HUSBAND. later found the Sluts on limewire. or somewhere.





13. Green Day, Fillmore, December 16, 1997. my friend DP and i hadn't had much fun at shows lately. since the magazine we were writing for went under, we didn't have as much motivation to go out and see stuff. then green day hit the fillmore. we have to go, i told her. and we went. first time either of us saw them. they were so fun, as they always are. energetic, funny, engaged, loud and fast. all you really need in life right there in one band. i find inspiring the fact that bassist mike dirnt used to suffer from panic attacks, but learned to overcome them. the place was filled with teenagers. DP loves to ask questions of people, to engage. unlike me, i like disengagement better. she tortured the teenagers with her questions about which member they like best, what their favorite green day song is, where they go to school...always a great time seeing a show with DP, my favorite show partner for life. as much as i like to disengage, and she to engage, we work perfectly together on this platform. after the show, we walked towards her place in the marina. straight up fillmore and over the hill. as we reached the top where all the houses are the size of a city block, we found a sofa someone had left on the curb to be trashed. a nice sofa. green velvet. we decided to take a rest and ended up sitting on the sofa for an hour and a half, recounting the show, smoking pot, and laughing uproariously. what fun. i miss that.



14. Sonic Youth, Warfield, November 8, 1995. i lived across the street. it was the first time i went with my friend, DP's friend, who happened to be related to lee renaldo. good god, what luck! we had a great time at the show, bikini kill AND the Amps (kim deal) opened. they played two nights and i went both nights. but the first night with lee renaldo's relative was special. there were four of us in our little group, them and me and my little sister. the other one. she loved sonic youth long before me. in fact, she gave me a copy of Dirty the year before. it got me through long bus ride waits all winter. so anyway my friend's friend drew 3 backstage passes out of her pocket. there was a moment of silence. what followed was an unbelievable feeling i'll never forget. when the three passes were handed out, one to me, one to DP and one to lee renaldo's relative; i gave my pass to my sister. i was overwhelmed with the absolute knowledge that i must give her my pass and sit this one experience out. while they went behind the fat purple velvet rope, i went out front onto market street, where i tried to fold myself into a tiny alcove and become invisible, and enjoy some cigarettes. I was prepared to wait for them and propel unruly types from my feet. little did the guard know that i was a local. i was a few hundred feet from my front door. lucky for me what he saw was a young woman in a sweet dress. he saw a girl who might get hassled any minute. he worried about me. he walked over to see what i was up to, "oh just waiting for my friends who are backstage," i told him. "hmm" he said and walked away and then came back. "hey, your friends are backstage you said?" "yeah." "will they recognize you if i take you there?" "yeah!" and with that, he led me through a door right off market street, and down a very long, black hallway, and then down another two long black hallways. i had no idea even which way i was facing when he suddenly opened a door. i stepped in, and there were my friends and my sister hangin' out with thurston and lee and kim. FUCK! there was a little up and down as i entered the sanctum. i saw kim check out my vinyage orange velvet shift dress. i sat down with everyone and they continued their conversation. DP was chatting with lee. his relative m. was chatting with thurston. my sister was hanging right behind them. me? i was flushed straight into my chair, frozen in the completely surreal moment. DP handed me a magnet of a washing machine, the graphic from the album of the same name, with lee's and thurston's autographs on it. when i got home that night, across the street in my tenderloin loft, i threw the magnet on my art-destroyed cement floor and immediately sprayed fixative all over the front of it, so it will last forever. to this day, it's on my fridge, and the autographs in sharpie are as bright as ever. hey! that's another good commercial idea for sharpies!

15. Duran Duran, Oakland Coliseum Arena, April 13, 1984. The Contractions opened: this was my first concert ever. entries in my diary at this time read,"going to duran duran. i don't care if it costs me $50, i'm getting front row!"i love how i said things like this without having any idea how it all worked. my mom took me. we left early in the day and i was taken out of school. this was all extreme privilege and reward for getting an A- on my constitution test. i was 13 and in 8th grade. i almost never got positive reinforcement, so i know my mom did a lot of work to get me there. (i still thank her). my eyes were wide open all day, it was so intense. my young mind was blown wide open. thoughts like, "they're people and there's only one of them, and they're not anywhere else in the world, they're right in front of me."there was a lot of screaming from all the young girls in audience. my mom put her fingers in her ears and found she could still hear the music but not the screaming. i couldn't believe how huge the coliseumarena was. i'd never seen anything remotely like it. the people in the top row looked to be about 2" tall. i danced the entire show standing in my seat. so, so exciting. my bratty friends whose parents didn't care what they did, and who got a ride to the show with us, got mad at my mom because she wouldn't let them run down to the front. i was so happy to be there, i didn't care about the front anymore. i was mad at my friends because they weren't so happy to be there and they said mean things about my mom. teenagers are horrible people. the line we waited in was something i couldn't stop talking about."it was as wide as this room and longer than the eye could see!"i wore my favorite gray twill Triangle pants with leather bands at the cuffs and bought a t-shirt there (still have it), as well as a program. the show was sponsored by coca-cola. i can still see the insignia that was incorporated into the design of everything. it was a pivotal and profound night for little me. live music affected me unlike anything i had ever experienced. it made me happier than i'd ever been. it was a salve for my wrecked teenage nerves. for at least a year, i counted backwards in my head how long it had been since the show. "wow, two days ago at this time, simon le bon was right in front of me." "wow, two weeks ago at this time, simon le bon was right in front of me." "wow, two months ago at this time, simon le bon was right in front of me."after that night in 1984, pursuing live music became my full-time job. later in april of 1984, the Cinemax channel was introduced to the new "cable" invention, and featured a special movie made of Duran Duran's tour, shot mostly at the coliseum. in a most bizarre, lucky chain of events my dad, who never did anything fun, subscribed to cinemax and i got to see the movie. i taped it on our brand new top-loading VCR and watched it a million times. i memorized every simon dance move and entertained my mom by replicating the moves in the car as we drove along listening to Rio, or 7 or their first record. she was delighted and thought i was hilarious. seeing duran duran and live music in particular was the catalyst i'd been needing. i felt driven afterwards to take the right classes in high school so i could go to college and then see all the live music i ever wanted without anyone ever telling me i couldn't. and that's exactly what i did. 400 concerts (?) later...i'm 37 and still never miss a show by a band i like. no matter what. in fact, i emancipated myself from my parents when my dad flatly refused to let me see The Grateful Dead at Cal Expo in June of 1990. except for the butthole surfers at the greek in 1998, which i missed due to a family vacation. i still feel sad that i missed that show, vacation or not. especially since it was one of the last three they'd ever play here.


16. Duran Duran, Cal Expo, August 1986:
i bought a whole new outfit for this show. i went with some sacramento friends. i was coming off a month-long summer gig designing candles for a family friend in a candle factory. i spent most of my candle money on brand new boots, which i wore with pale yellow baggy cp shades shorts and a peach-colored shaker knit gap vestover a tshirt. i remember being unsure of concert protocol: how does one dress? i always thoughtsort of like a rock star, but a friend of a friend totally dressed up. i didn't give her much cred though since she was from
sacramento."ew, they wear makeup." this was also the first show i ever tried to sneak into, and my third show ever. while waiting in line two funny things happened: 1. i sucked down an ammonia inhalant someone dared me to sniff and almost passed out 2. out of boredom, i left my friends to save my spot in line and snuck around the band area in the back and contemplated darting into the backstage area through a hole in the fence. i didn't do it. i wasn't that brave yet. But it paved the way for future sneaking-in. i dedicated myself to being in the front row for this show. i had never had a chance and actually wasn't all that attracted to it, but felt i must try it. like a drug i'd just learned about, i was ambivalent. but i did it for the experience. needless to say i was alone. sacramento friends would have nothing to do with what i was about to experience over the next several hours. in my knee-length cp shades shorts, white tshirt and gap shaker-knit vest, i entered the pit. and stayed all the way through the incredibly and super gay erasure and halfway through duran duran. i gave up when it was obvious, even to dehydrated me that i had accomplished what i set out for. i had swayed with the audience off my feet. i had seen short girls faint and
get passed forward. i had tilted my head back so that at six feet tall, i was able to barely get a whiff of the fresh air that hovered above the crowd like the opposite of smog. when i emerged from the crowd, pulling my legs out behind me as i had to nearly jump to safety, i laughed and laughed. my shorts were pulled down to my mid-calves. my shaker-knit vest was grazing my knees. everything had been stretched by heat and moisture, nothing was actually falling off. i decided that night that i would never see duran duran again. they were going political and i wasn't in to that. i didn't like the way simon le bon stood behind a podium and yelled at the audience. church damage. it was unattractive. i was done with the double ds.

17. UB40, San Diego, August 1988. was a brand new freshman living in the dorms. had no friends, but a nice roommate. we decided to go see UB40 at some big place that was pretty far away. had no idea. took a taxi. it was $30 each way. san diego was huge we were learning. wore good northern california clothes like the newbie i was: heavy rollneck sweater, long black pants and a black turtleneck. nearly suffocated in my own sweat. felt like an idiot. show was ok. i was only into Geoffrey Morgan, not a huge fan. first time out as an independent adult felt pretty good though. i was one week from turning 18.

18. The Melvins, small club in San Diego, 1989. the Melvins caused me great pain at this show. can't remember where it was, some small club in ocean beach. i have never heard something so loud in such a small space. it was weird. i was really surprised. i had to leave. there was a sharp pain stabbing my eardrums. i wouldn't have been surprised to see blood.

19. Man or Astroman?, Bimbos, July 15, 1996. a story that is nauseating to remember especially for a night that started out perfectly. my friend DP and i popped some ecstacy tabs and headed over to Broadway with her boyfriend as our coach. the show was so much fun. loud, fast, funny...great stage design too. old tvs were propped up on piles of cords, the onscreen fuzz pumped in time to the music. we laughed and laughed and laughed. fantastic time. when the show was over, we went outside. i was probably smoking cigarettes. i'm sure we were busy recounting our favorite songs, i know we were still really high. all of a sudden our attention was grabbed by a young girl who had just fallen over and puked on herself. we were shocked and stunned. the drug was making us super sensitive to her feelings/predicament/possible near-future of being taken advantage of. she was alone. we got her up and leaned her against a small tree, where she managed to stay standing, but not without significant sway and occasional attempts at speaking. she was so fucked up there was no way to even begin to guess what she had taken. it seemed like a lot of alcohol and very heavy pills. DP and i were very concerned. the ecstacy was not helping us stay city- distant and aloof. we asked her where she lived. "17th and 7th," she said, barely audible, barely intelligible. "17th and 7th. 17th and 7th." DP and i looked at each other, concerned. i considered myself extremely well-versed in city geography and i proclaimed with confidence that, "None of the number streets cross!" now, 12 years later, i know i was wrong and have never forgotten that i possibly sabotaged her well-being. we got a her a cab anyway, and put her in the backseat. the taxi drove off...and promptly returned in reverse and with vigor. the taxi door opened right where we were standing and a very pissed off cab driver got out, swearing, and pulled her out. he leaned her back up against the tree where we found her, swore about her puking in his cab, and was gone. it was getting late. what were we going to do with this poor girl who was totally vulnerable to the night? people weren't on the street so much, everyone had gone home. somewhat suspiciously we told the door guy about her and that she'd need help. he and another guy said they'd help. we didn't feel good about this, but we were waning and terribly bummed out. we had no car to put her in. there was nothing else we could do. it was so unexpected. it affected us profoundly. we still cringe if one of us says, "remember the girl at man or astroman?" ugh.



20. Berlin, Great America Theme Park (then called "Marriott's Great America), August 4, 1984. went with 2 girlfriends, one's little sister and their mom. hot hot hot day. rode roller coasters all day until the sun started to set. filed into amphitheatre. obnoxious band (?) opened up with guy singer who sang something about no money, no car, no girl. finally berlin came on. since this was only my 2nd concert ever, i was still in a state of shock to realize the immediacy and exclusivity of rock concerts. these people aren't anywhere else in the world!this is the only place in the world this is happening!!i loved the show. at 13 i was 5'9" and had no problem seeing the stage. i loved terri nunn (and her totally original hair color), and i loved that at the beginning she had such a positive message: "we called this album 'love life' because we love life!"yeah,my 13-yr-old heart soared, yeah.i guess i needed to hear this because life had never sucked as much for me as it did at age 13. at the end of the show, terri took all of her jewelry off and threw it into the audience. i caught her heart-shaped pinky ring with a quick hand high in the air. an older teenager in front of me whirled around and screamed, "BITCH!" i wonder if she was surprised to see a baby-faced girl instead of a woman? because of my height, i was always perceived as older. either way, i remember feeling shocked to my core. i'd never been called a bitch before. i still have the ring.

21. the strokes, Bill Graham Civic, October 31, 2002. first and only time i ever truly threw my neck out at a show from thrashing too hard. expected it to happen many times, but it only happened once and that was the strokes and the song was Take It Or Leave It. fortunately, it was also the last song. i'm pretty sure it made a noise when it snapped, although i'm also sure i couldn't possibly have been able to hear it. sometimes sound has a feeling like smell has a taste?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Hot Hunter



lordy he was hot back in the day. good god.

"It's a strange world. Some people get rich and others eat shit and die."



"There was one exact moment, in fact, when I knew for sure that Al Gore would never be President of the United States, no matter what the experts were saying — and that was when the whole Bush family suddenly appeared on TV and openly scoffed at the idea of Gore winning Florida. It was Nonsense, said the Candidate, Utter nonsense. . . Anybody who believed Bush had lost Florida was a Fool. The Media, all of them, were Liars & Dunces or treacherous whores trying to sabotage his victory. . . Here was the whole bloody Family laughing & hooting & sneering at the dumbness of the whole world on National TV. The old man was the real tip-off. The leer on his face was almost frightening. It was like looking into the eyes of a tall hyena with a living sheep in its mouth. The sheep's fate was sealed, and so was Al Gore's."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

NO!



suddenly everyone is into "NO!" and don't tell me i'm wrong when i tell you JE copyrighted that in 2003!

shame on you!

those who know me know i'm very into yoko ono's YES and in fact have a two-piece necklace made by friend MW, that reads both YOKO SAYS YES and LOU SAYS NO.



the thing is, is my NO is only meant for the man.

NO! I DO BELIEVE IN YES!





wait, what?