News from the lunatic fringe

i have been a lunatic lately. not a fun lunatic, not a manic lunatic, but more a lunatic on the side of RAVING. i have been saying totally wacko insane things to guy. i have been crying everyday for i don't even remember how long. i have been affected in an unbelievably extreme way by everything that guy does or says. on monday night, i punched him in the stomach.

there is no excuse for violence ever. i am a former "victim" of violence. i have never ever in my entire life inflicted violence on anyone but myself until monday night. guy admitted to being mean to me, but he's frustrated. he has a right. There is something VERY VERY wrong with ME and it's really anyone's guess as to what to do about it.

i have two guesses:

1. hormones. those motherfuckers are very intense, body-altering chemicals. my gyno has me on a new kind (since the insanity started) that did stop all my endometriosis hemorrhaging, but has turned me into a monster.

2. lexapro withdrawal. obviously a drug invented by satan. satan. satan. this shit is practically lethal. i have felt a whole new level of world-hatred, life-hatred and self-hatred than i ever thought possible, since it has been leaving my body (the exact same amount of time that i have been on the psycho hormones).

this morning i listened to my ipod really loud.*** ahhhh, finally peace. all that noise pushed the insanity right out of my head. i have been doing super loud headphone therapy since i was 13 and got my first sony walkman. i may someday contract tinnitis but the brain benefits i gather from this therapy far outweigh the detriments. i mean really, what's more important: ears or brain? i think brain, don't you.

i have doctor's appointments on thursday and friday so i can get to the bottom of this. i have been a whirling dervish, i can't imagine what it must be like to live with me. guy does the best with me he can, but a Regular Guy is no match for a Crazy Lady.

i need to be quarantined.


***yep, i got my ipod to be loud again. i swear to god i felt the heavens opened up and placed golden hands on my heart. the secret, in case you have this problem, is going into "settings" and making sure that "sound check" is "off."