Meeting James...Again

this new life of spider combat in my convertible, healthy eating and book readings is really appealing to me.

went to see james frey read today. actually, i didn't see him read because i was reading along with him, at his suggestion, in my newly purchased Bright Shiny Morning. it's really fat. i think it might be "sprawling." it's about LA, it's sprawling, i'm thinking about raymond carver and Short Cuts. LOVE.

the marin audience. wow. how annoying. HATE. i was kind of embarrassed to be with them. every person there had a precision haircut and rich-person skin. except for the little wall-eyed lady standing behind me in the signing line. i won't choose a marin reading over a city one next time. i prefer standing in freezing wind in a mini-skirt for 45 minutes over straining to hear a reading while babies squall and people shift in their squeaky seats while asking questions like "what's your relationship with the tao te ching?" one small, older lady raised her hand. he called on her. she said, "i want you to know your book made me sober when i read it a year ago." he smiled his sideways smile and looked uncomfortable, didn't say anything, and the audience erupted in applause. i felt like i was in an AA meeting. who wants to be at an AA meeting? nobody.

unlike meeting augusten, i was only a little bit nervous meeting james. i've met him before, so it was easier. my voice came out weird anyway, and i sounded retarded...he asked me, do you want me to say anything? as he prepared to sign. i suddenly felt like how could i ask for more, but it came out, "no. you've said so much already." there was silence then. i felt my moment slipping away like it did with augusten. i became aware that i could lose it forver, so i started. "i have to tell you...My Friend Leonard, affected me emotionally more than any other book ever has. he looked up. "bawling," i told him. "bawling. it was amazing," he listened blank-faced, maybe suspicious, i went on, "when i get a reaction like that to something i've written it's very satisfying." he looked down, you're a writer. "yes." what do you write? "non-fiction. observations." are you published? "not yet," i said. will you? "someday, yes, most likely." well, i'll give you my email, if you need help when the time comes, write me. "oh, ok."" the offer really surprised me, he sounded genuine.

he's my peer. we're the same age....why do i think about that a lot, i don't know.

i didn't look at my inscription until i got to the car. it reads, Lou. You've got a beautiful smile have a beautiful life. james frey. it sounded familiar to me. i recalled the first meeting and not knowing what to tell him to write then too. when i got home i pulled My Friend Leonard off the shelf. yep. you're a beautiful girl have a beautiful life. james frey.

huh. i go to these readings to see if the people are real. to know. but i can't read james. and not because he lied about his book. because his face never changes. what is that guy really thinking?! i can't tell if he's real or not.

i really want him to be.