Placement Agency Holiday Party: Total Success!

last night i had the best time in a very unlikely place: a placement agency christmas party that had only 8 people in attendance. i met two very interesting women. my agent, who placed me in my copywriting job, was there and she is fun and hilarious. she introduced me to a woman i couldn't help but notice around the building where i work. she looks like Ivanka Trump, only slightly less flawless, and happens to have the best girl-ass i have ever seen in my entire life. she has the ass i dream of having. in my mind i truly thought awful things about her like, she must be such a bitch because she looks like Ivanka and has the most perfect girl-ass of all time. well, she walked in to this stupid-fun agency holiday party and my agent introduced us. turns out, she is really really nice and cool and fun!! oh my god! i am a jerk for being prejudiced against beautiful people.

so, my agent, my coworker who i arrived with, and this new girl, who happens to also be from hungary JUST LIKE Ivanka and Ivana, and ANOTHER very interesting woman who was a guest of an artist represented there...just chatted and laughed for almost two hours!! WHO KNEW. we all made plans to get together and i really think we will. it's just so exciting to meet people who are so interested in life and so easy to talk to and laugh with, people who have something to say, are intelligent and funny and totally lacking pretension.

the second interesting woman i mentioned meeting is writing her dissertation on something environmental. ANYWAY, she said her boyfriend is a graphic designer and is always bored with his jobs. i countered that perhaps that's because as a graphic designer you are always doing what other people want, not what you want, that as a graphic designer you are really just one step away from being a bathroom monkey. she said, "well, i would LOVE to do what someone else wants, it's so much easier than figuring out what YOU want. i've been doing only what i want for AGES and it's very difficult. i say 'give me your dumb job, i'll be happy to do whatever you say!!'" i found that a quite enlightening point of view.

you just never know when you're going to meet people who make you feel more alive or give you new ideas. for me it's usually bored bored bored all the time, most people aren't that cool, or smart, or funny...and then BAM! out of nowhere, i go to an agency placement holiday party and find the people i've been looking for.*

ps. to my single guy friends: beautiful Ivanka girl is married. sorry.


*when i met guy and his friends...well, i won the lottery, folks. guy has amazing friends. as do i. xoxoxo

It's all about health, ok, i believe it now

a 35-yr-old woman who used to work as i writer where i work, died today. they say she had a headache one day and cancer the next. she was married. there are tears everywhere. my boss, who has become my friend, is taking it hard. i went into her office this morning and, even though she was on her cell, i grabbed her hand, put a valium in it, held her hand for a moment and whispered those three important words, "i'm so sorry." she immediately started bawling. it's because she was grateful and felt that relief you feel when someone recognizes that you're hurting and holds your hand or says they're so sorry. i read this in her eyes in a split second and then left the office before i lost my shit too. but i don't talk about that anymore.

my wish for all my loved ones this year, is something i used to think only old people say: your health is the only thing that matters.

here's to your health.

Christmas Special #3: The night i met Jello Biafra

i haven't written much about this, but i "act" in movies my ex-husband writes, directs and produces with his best friend. these movies are based on the classic exploitation flicks of the 60s and 70s. i don't know anything about this stuff, even after being married for five years to a man who talked about it nonstop. it's just not my thing, but i sure do love participating in the guerrilla filmmaking aspect of the whole, creative, $3000 budget moviemaking process. it's a lot of fun.

sunday night, we got our first star. he found out about the movie because of a screening someone recommended he attend due to the fact that it's "like those movies you like" and that it was filmed across the street from his house (in front of mine). he came to the screening and approached my ex as a fan. my ex is a DKs LOVAH. from the GET GO. big time fan. it was a good moment for the ex, that's for certain.

now, there is now a "name" attached to this crazy project. and while it is a name of questionable ethics, (and more) i definitely set aside judgement for the evening and fully enjoyed meeting him and working on a scene with him.

it was last sunday when i walked in the door of the "studio" and my ex introduced me to him and he held out his hand to me and said, "Biafra." he read his lines really well, and was funny in the scene and really pretty great. he plays a mayor of questionable ethics.

"biafra" proceeded to make us laugh after the scene was shot and we were chillin' with a beer. he has a slightly nerdy voice and an insecurity that keeps him constantly talking. he told us a story of trying to burn a flag onstage with al jourgensen of ministry at the crest theatre in sacramento during a gig, once. they couldn't light the thing on fire, because it turned out to be fire-protected somehow, so they threw it into the "pit" of the concert where wild metal heads and punk rockers tore it to shreds. this was right after 9/11, and somehow the authorities found out and slapped Ministry with a $2500 fee for flag damage. he talked about a lot of punk rockers ending up in jail and i said, "and probably just for drugs." but he contradicted me saying, "no, there were murders." the singer for fang strangled his girlfriend. i had forgotten that story, and for good reason i won't go into.

sunday night was another strange moment. like meeting yoko ono and doing whippets with doug irwin, and fighting with kim deal and chatting with bjork and dancing onstage with beck, or having a smoke with john doe, but some of those are other Christmas Specials*, and i'll tell ya about them later.

xo

*i've decided to pull out some rock star stories for christmas. it's a special occasion so why not. i shy away from it because i'm afraid of sounding like an asshole, "oh guess who I MET..." you know what i mean.

Christmas Special #2: Doing whippets with Doug Irwin

doug irwin was an artist who made jerry garcia's guitars for him. one day, back in 1993, when i worked at the legendary Psychedelic Shop, in walked doug irwin. i knew him from pictures, probably from reading High Times or Relix, two classic stoner mags. i said "hello, what beautiful guitars you've made," and introduced myself. he had come in to drop off some custom-made jewelry (of which i have a piece) and buy whippets. i don't remember the conversation, but before i knew it, he was behind the counter and we were inhaling whippets together.

it was another strange moment for me, smalltown girl, new in the big city. another strange moment for me, huge rock fan, unknowingly on the verge of meeting and talking to just about every rock musician who ever meant anything to me. it was a strange moment for me, doing whippets with the man partially responsible for the sound of the grateful dead. it's just one story of a hundred that have made every miserable moment of trying to survive in this city at the poverty level, totally worth it.


ps. it was upsetting when jerry died, and even though he left the guitars to doug, in his will, the other members of the band fought it and ended up with one of them. how could they? how dare they?

"Black Irish Lovah"

likin' my people. i was told a long time ago by my bio-dad, a storytelling man, that we are black irish, Iberian and Irish. ever since i told him, guy has greatly enjoyed calling me, endearingly i admit, his, "black irish lovah."

what i am is scots-irish (newer spelling...scotch is a drink, not a people, my bio-dad told me a few days ago, however, it is said that while the scots appreciate this sensitivity, they prefer "scotch" used in two ways, "scotch-irish" and "scotch-whiskey"). therefore, i will say the scotch-irish were cool people. they were against slavery and had "independent spirits, adventurous personalities and restless natures...loyalty to kin, mistrust of governmental authority and military readiness*" all of which describes me. especially the restless part, and if military readiness means "ready to fight." then yeah, that's me.

basically what my heritage comes down to is that i'm white white white, as i am also english. i am glad my skin is on the dark side though, Iberian dark, if for no other reason, than it's the opposite of george bush and i tan well.

Crybaby

alright, enough with all the crying. i'm reading through some posts and i mention that i'm crying or i cried in almost every one. WHAT A BORE!! i promise from here on out, to not be such a freakin' crybaby. good god. sorry, people, i didn't realize i talked about it so much.

but first, i might have to tell the story about how good i am at making other people cry.

some other day.

Christmas Special #1: The day I met Yoko Ono Lennon

holy crap, there's a show on NPR right now about the day john lennon died, and although i cry a lot, this is getting bad. i can't stop crying. i really love that man. i love his message of peace. i love his coolness. i love his humor. i love his intelligence. john lennon had balls. he told the truth. and so does yoko.

so, it's the eve of his death and the show has gotten to a point now where people are telling stories of where they were when he died. i remember where i was and i've told that story here.

what i haven't told is the story, of the great privilege i had one freezing san francisco summer day, of meeting and speaking with yoko ono lennon.

it was june 16, 1996 and for reasons that are truly, another story attached to another story to another story, i was backstage at the Tibetan Freedom Concert in Golden Gate Park. actually, i was onstage...or just above the stage on some scaffolding, looking down on the stage, about 12 feet below me. sonic youth were just about to start and i was already holding my breath. thurston had just walked on stage and was plugging stuff in. kim was there in the centerstage, tuning her bass. lee was there on the far side of the stage, steve, as always, was there in the back and the show was about to start, when my friend (D) tugged on my arm. i turned around and came face to face with yoko and a massive man i determined to be her bodyguard. she clearly could not see around me, but had said nothing. through the beginning squeals of thurston's guitar, i said to her, "do you want to stand in front of me?" i was right on the frontlines, with one of the best views in the house. she looked up at me, and eyes wide, she nodded and moved to the side, and i backed up a bit and she stepped in front of me. the bodyguard stayed courteously behind me. i'm sure he could tell i was in awe and was reflecting nothing but total respect for yoko. needless to say, i was completely out of my mind in wonder, excitement and shock. i looked at my friend and she looked at me and we were just...speechless.

right then, just before sonic youth launched into their song, "the diamond sea," thurston said to the crowd of 50,000 people, "This song is for Yoko Ono, whose rock and roll is beautiful." and with that, yoko spun around and looked at me and smiled a huge smile and clapped her hands and said, "ohhh, they are so far out!!!"

and thurston slammed into his guitar and then slid into the gentle beauty that is "the diamond sea" and my mind blew itself way out of my body and out of that park.

i really don't know what else to say. it was just BEYOND. i am still speechless.

News from the lunatic fringe; happy endings

after shopping all day in downtown san francisco for christmas presents on a saturday (thank you valium for making it possible), i was so tired my legs hurt all the way up to my waist and it was way past time to go home.

uh, except when i got there, i was met with an interesting and unexpected scenario. the front door was closed but i could hear guy talking loudly and excitedly on the phone from the inside. i see a bottle of wine, mostly gone, his wallet and some cigarettes sitting on the outside table. i open the door and he's standing there right in the entry way, his blonde hair all crazy on his head and he's wearing my wool jacket, which looks silly-small on him. i look in the house and there is no furniture, no nothing anywhere in the living room and the floor is super shiny black. he had been cleaning and scrubbing and painting three layers of high gloss black floor paint all day. he says to the person on the phone, as i put my bags down on an outside chair, "(J), i gotta go. she just got home." and then, "hey, wait, ok..." and he hands me the phone and i know it's his cousin (J), who is more like his brother, a man i adore. a man of gentle contradictions, a man who is a party animal and a man who survived the gulf war, two things i highly respect. he's fun, and sweet and seems to really like me. when he tells me to keep his "cuz" happy, i get a little nervous. this is not a guy i want to disappoint.

anyway, i get on the phone with cousin (J) and i hear, "lou, honey, i just gotta say you made (N) cry...and i just love you and you're a wonderful wonderful girl..." i say, (J), are you drunk? "nevermind, nevermind, i just want to tell you that you made some people very very happy with your story."

what he was referring to was a story i wrote about that awesome boat ride in the chesapeake bay on the yacht...i don't know if you've read it here. but it was (J) i was with and "(N)" a man who guy describes as a CONSTRUCTION guy from EDGEMERE, like that means something and i don't know what that means but it sounds TOUGH. and i made him cry with my writing?? wow. guy is blown away, so i take his cue.

then i hang up the phone and i tell guy i gotta pee. he says the floor's wet, you can't go inside. so i squat in the yard and pee, i don't care, i just gotta do it. as i'm pulling up my pants, guy is looking at me, he's staring at me and i said, what's wrong with you? and he says, just button your pants. and it seems weird, so i say, are you ok? and he says just button your pants. so i do and when i'm done, he grabs me hard, he pulls me to him and landed on my lips a serious, "i love you i'm so sorry, you rule, that really sucked, it's over now, i love you i love you" kind of kiss. and then we just held each and cried. and our bodies shook against each other as we were crying really hard inside, and we just totally let all that stress and fear and sadness go and just BAWLED.

and that's when we returned to ourselves. our volatile, yet generally happy selves.

next, i pulled my living christmas tree in, a tree i've had in a pot outside for seven years. the living room floor had dried and i was allowed. i strung it with lights and put all my grandmama's ornaments up and it was so sweet and so pretty.



guy listened as i told him and showed him every little thing about every handmade ornament and he looked at every tiny little date written in teeny little grandparent handwriting every time i asked him to.

later...

we slow danced on the shiny black floor in the glow of tiny white lights and a tree-symbol of big love.

Martian talk for the fashion folk

check it out, i just got LAUGHED at for using the word "accoutrements" for an accessories billboard. i used it like this: "all the accoutrements for an amazing now." when i read it, people laughed and laughed!! i so didn't get that people were laughing AT ME, that i kept reading! i didn't realize something was up until my boss walked across the room and stood by me, literally, and said, "STOP laughing!"

so i stopped reading and this is what my audience of 8 people had to say: WHAT DID YOU SAY???!! now, granted 3 of the 8 speak english as a second language, although one of them is the design director and has been in the fashion industry for 20 years!!

these people were laughing because it was as if i had just said "gobblyey eh googy goo jah shagoo goo!" they weren't being mean-spirited, they really had no idea what word had just come out of my mouth. i'm not insulted, because they weren't laughing at me for being stupid. uh, sorry, no. they were laughing at me, without knowing it, for having...what? paid attention?

immediately, two girls apologized. one said, hey lou, i'm sorry, english is my second language, i just don't know that word. another girl said, hey, sorry, i have a terrible vocabulary.

i just stood there, stunned. the head designer sitting next to me said quietly, "i've always liked that word." i told her, "i thought it was common!" she said back, in a near-whisper, "it is."

who are these fashion people who don't know a fashion word? it's totally befuddling, i tell you! UNBELIEVABLE!

Don't say "foodie"

DON'T SAY "FOODIE!"

please, people, stop saying "foodie." jesus christ.