Learning to Deal

last night i talked on the phone with my ex-husband for a long time. he explained to me what his girlfriend is teaching him about Having to Deal. he said, You and I are very similar in this way. i agree.

i have to deal with getting a driver's license at some point. i have to deal with my fear of showing my art. i have to deal with my inability to handle money. i have to deal with insurance and bills, and other things i have neglected that involve paperwork and authority figures. i have to actually take steps, as in 1, 2, 3...towards making some of my creative ideas happen. i asked him why am i like this? why do i have these issues? what is wrong with me? what happened? and he said that basically my parents just didn't teach me these things. they did not teach me to take care of Things or Myself in certain ways. this sounds about right, my parents were too interested in holding on to me and controlling me (mom=hold on, dad=control). he said certain things were never impressed upon me as important to learn when i was younger. he explained how other people got driver's licenses because their parents somehow communicated that it's a good idea, that it's what people do. he said even though it's not easy for younger people To Deal, it's easiER than it is for 36-yr-olds because at 36, we just don't want To Deal. we have figured out ways around it and plain don't wanna do it. but we have to. It is of extreme importance to Start to Deal.

i am so happy that this has finally been explained to me. i feel like someone turned on a light. only now that i know, i really Have to Deal. fuck.