12.14.07
International wing SFO. arrived at 9:30am, 3 hours ahead of time.
baggage check = 1 hour
security = 3 minutes
calm inside. no freaky. guy says i have a wall up. i recognize this. i've been railroaded by firing at work and other distasteful complications for two weeks. yet to recover.
7:30am: show up at friend's house to retrieve envelope of ambiens she was to leave out for us. not there. hear her cough inside her apartment. knock several times. she does not hear.
9:00am: arrive at home of peninsula friends and leave car. they kindly drive us to airport.
surprised how calm i am. still scared of 20 hour flight and boredom. buy tatum o'neal autobiography for easy distraction. should be trashy. take 2 mgs. of klonopin.
EN ROUTE
we are now over the berring sea. there is a sunset on the horizon line. behind me the sky looks like a warm rainbow, like a strip of tape, binding the heavens to the earth. in front of me...well, it's so beautiful i am moved to tears. like the first sunset that ever made me cry on the north shore of oahu 2 years ago.
i see heaven up in the sky. like "streets of gold," or gentle ribbons of honey dribbled over a venti extra foam latte. i wish for it to be heaven as it's written in the bible. like maybe the place where my grandparents are.
(at moments i can see the ripples of the ocean 30,000 feet below. i think of all the people who have ever been lost at sea and realize a new level of hopelessness.)
the sky is so beautiful i can't stop crying. i have to close the window. i have to stop dreaming of heaven and the goodness and beauty this cruel world possesses. a knot is twisting it's way up the back of my throat. like a growing snake eschewing it's skin right between my eyes.
i can't wait to tell my mom i saw heaven, that it's real.
i wouldn't care if i died here.
12.16.06
arrival in bangkok: got to Sawasdee Khaosan Inn at 1:30am last night. fresh pee on the toilet seat in our room - and nothing but a shower head hanging over the sink for a shower. i try to keep my mouth shut over how much this disturbs me. guy proposed a $20/night limit while staying in the middle of things, so this is what you get.
pretty awake on arrival from sleeping the entire 6.5 hour flight from our tokyo layover to here. we get drinks and smoke. streets seem safe at 2am. empty. steamy.
12.16.07 evening
yeah. i'm a girl who likes her shower and her toilet separate from one another. i try to be a cool. a traveler. you know. a free spirit who thinks everything is beautiful. but i'm not. i think of what my sister said about jetlag and it making you angry. i try to be different, but it's nearly impossible.
we've been here a day. one full day. one night. one nap. i am finally starting to feel like myself again.
i finally feel some joie de vivre returning.
we're about to head out to patpong. i have invented a hairstyle using my naturally curly hair in a way that makes me feel sexy. quite an accomplishment. curly hair usually makes me feel like an unkempt hippie. but here i am. ready for patpong. i've got a tank top on, knee-length skirt and chucks.
was at the market all day today. a weekend market. huge, congested, several acres in size of back to back stuff and people. hard to focus on many cool things. diarrhea and puppies are the standout memories. while shopping i try to buy sandals, as even canvas sneakers seem ridiculously heavy. i go to three places. they have size "10" which is more like a "9". the salesgirls look at me. at my feet. they say, "we do not have large." nothing fits me here. if i lost 50Ibs. i could fit in the dresses. they'd just be really really short.
i'm too big for asia.
12.16.07 middle of the night
it was a night out in bangkok starting at midnight.
we slept all afternoon, woke up at 10pm? not sure. got dressed and left with the idea to see patpong. we catch a tuk-tuk. driver says, "patpong closed. it 2:30am." we don't believe him. about the time mostly. he says he'll take us to a bar nearby. we're up for anything. we go.
tuk-tuks are fun. they go very fast, there are no walls. it's like a motorcycle with back seats. love it. the wind is soft, the ceiling of the tuk-tuk is low. i slink down to catch a view of speeding neon. i don't understand anything around me. i feel loose and like, whatever. guy and i laugh at nothing.
we arrive at the bar, which has no sign, no lights, no indication of anything. it's a secret. suddenly a man darts from the direction of the building and pops over. our driver says something to him and he greets us and we go inside with him. the driver will wait. he doesn't even ask for payment first.
we walk into a large enough space. there is a normal bar, normal booths and nice sofas with coffee tables up the center. we are seated in a middle booth facing a mirrored wall lined by 7 girls in red and black outfits. they smile. we are alone in the bar. we order drinks and steal glances at the girls who must be prostitutes. they smile at us and swish their hair. guy and i talk out of the sides of our mouths. "well, i'm certainly being looked at." "so am i." we're being cool when suddenly a 40ish woman sits next to me in the booth. i can't remember what she said, but guy says to her words i have never heard, and he does so with total confidence. "are you the mama san?" hmm. she says and nods. she is not ostentatious in the slightest. she looks like someone's mom. she begins to suss out that we do not want to hire a prostitute. she looks at me. she looks at guy. she doesn't quite buy it yet. guy tells her we're on our honeymoon. she nods, smiles and asks for a drink. but of course. guy is smooth, he hands her money for a drink when just as suddenly there is a youngish guy standing next to her. she tells us he is her husband. "buy him a drink too, hmm-hmm." sure, guy tells her and hands her money. she still doesn't get that we don't want a prostitute. "one for each?" she says and points to him and then me. no, no, but they're very nice, guy says. i smile and nod. i'm just taking it in. so foreign and new. i love it. i am a sponge. i look at the girls and wonder. they smile at us. soon, more guys come in. guy asks, "who are the nicest men? from which country?" mama san says, "country does not matter. it's what is in the heart. i can see it in the eyes." she seems to be enjoying us. i like that she likes me. she is in charge and it's good to have her on your side. besides she's a powerful woman. we chit chat before she gets bored and gets up. there is an annoying man who dances weird and comes over to guy and asks him to dance. guy gets up and shakes a hip or two before sitting down. we're like silly putty, we can form to any situation that comes along. when he leaves, mama san says the weird dancer wants me. the place fills up with men. mama san motions for guy to sit next to me rather than across. she says this is because guys are asking for me. they think i am a prostitute. i am grateful for her. dudes don't always get that women are susceptible and i appreciate her pointing this out to guy. i really kind of like her and really kind of admire her. one thing i take notice of: the girls don't like many of the other guys. they frown and avert their gaze if they don't want the business. in my heart, i am glad that the prostitutes like guy and me.
we have 3 or 4 drinks each and leave.
tuk-tuk is waiting for us. we're a bit tipsy at this point. tuk-tuk driver says, "disco?" we're like, yeah, ok, sure. we just want to be out. we're awake and there is no point in not being out. we're in this unbelievable city. it's vast, dark and filled with secrets. yet, it feels safe. i love the spontaneity. i love doing whatever is suggested.
the disco is just like the bar. no signs, no lights, not even a doorknob on the door. we go inside and witness a bag check counter. we get stamped on our hands and enter. it's like a high school dance but with go-go girls on tables. there is a dj pumping out beats. he changes speeds too much for me. it's hard to find a groove. we walk to a table with our drinks. a tiny thai woman is instantly on me. she runs her hands down the length of my body while shimmying to the music. i go with it. it's not offensive, it's interesting. i shake a hip or two and then she's gone. guy is impressed with my "handling" of a strange situation. i like everything that's new. we stand at the table where the girls are dancing. we sip our bad vodka and watch them. some are good, some aren't. guy says, "not many men's wives would let them sit here and do this." i think about that and perhaps it's true. to me, it's like watching a movie, it's just something to observe. we try to dance, but it's hard with the dj constantly changing beats. guy goes to the bathroom and comes out telling me of a man who approached him while he was peeing, and starting cracking his back. how weird. i'm a little unnerved at this. guy tells me the dude then cracks all guy's fingers. guy walks out feeling relaxed. hmmm. all i got was a stall, a hole and a squirt gun for my butt.
the disco is entertaining, but we tire of it eventually and leave. as we walk out the sky is getting light. i haven't stayed out all night since high school. maybe. i love it. we get in our tuk-tuk which is still waiting and go back to our hotel. i fall asleep immediately while Pretty in Pink plays on the tv. it's 7:00am.
12.17.07
the jetlag has cleared. went to the Grand Palace. very beautiful. very hot out. we stand in line and buy tickets but are stopped at the door. i am not allowed in with just a tank top on. my heart sinks. i am really embarrassed. i have done something stupid and possibly irreverant. i feel actual shame like the nutball i am. maybe the jetlag isn't totally gone. we turn to leave when we see signs pointing to a room that is filled with short-sleeved button up shirts. they are free to take and wear. i check one out like a library book. many people are doing this. i feel better. we are off. the temple is so shiny with gold it hurts your eyes. everything is huge. the scale is so weird. so gigantic. i feel better again taking pictures. there are a million beautiful angles, colors and patterns to shoot.
12.17.07 - later
afterwards we take a boat ride out on the Chao Praya river. it's wide, like the mississippi and filled with boats of several sizes and shapes. it's total chaos. there are no rules and yet it all works. when the boat pulls up to dock and lets people off and takes people on, there is a rope thrown over a post, there is yelling and gesticulating, there are people jumping over a gap from the boat to the dock, then there is more yelling, then the rope is off the post and the boat is gone. each docking takes no more than 10 seconds. it's phenomenal to watch. it satisfies the ADD in me. clip clip clip and we're off. no bullshit.
we take the boat downriver and get off at a huge glass mall. it turns out to be an antiques mall with a hundred rooms filled with antiques. very clean and orderly, but not a soul inside. so vast. so empty. we wander a bit and then head to the sheraton next door. i have an idea to scope it out and maybe come back with bathing suits. i am dying for something familiar and i find it. the sheraton is elegant and completely separated from it's environment save a nice view of the river. we sit by a garden and a big pool. we order drinks. we order delicious snacks. the best calamari ever and we rest. i breathe deeply. i relax for the first time since arriving. guy is a way cooler traveler than me, but he agrees. it is very nice to be surrounded by a civilization that we understand.
we take the boat back. we buy cool street art and tshirts. get a drink. have a few smokes at "the station." an outdoor cafe built around an abandoned gas station. awful drinks, super cool setup. we're dead tired. DEAD TIRED. it was a truly fun day. now we pack. tomorrow early we are out of here. bangkok was a bad idea as a first stop for people desperately needing to relax. can't wait for bali and the resort and a freaking pool and magazine reading.
yes.
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