baby. i lost my grandaddy's teething ring necklace down a city drain on castro street. i tried for over an hour to get it out. two different methods, lots of people helping: walgreens, cliffs and strangers on the street. i could not get it, i couldn't even see it. the drain is too deep and partially under water.
i came home and freaked out. i hyperventilated. i called my sister and she tried to calm me down, she did a good job and then i started to freak out again. i felt myself going to a hateful place. my sister kept talking, telling me that grandaddy would hate to see me so upset, that he would have loved that i wore it and lost it rather than kept it in a box where i never saw it or touched it.
so i decided to walk myself back from the ledge, and i calmed down. i had a cigarette and then smoked some hash. i feel numbed but lucid about the ideas of things.
the truth is i wasn't careless, it wasn't my fault, i wasn't being stupid or cosmically undeserving of nice things, or reaping bad karma or all the things i say to myself. i wore the necklace the same i wear all of them. all my pendants on the same chain. why this one falls off? i can't fucking begin to understand.
maybe this is just another reminder that i'm holding on to my grandparents in an unhealthy way, through their belongings. belongings are not permanent and i cannot allow myself to put all my love for them and memories of them in such a faulty place, in things.
i love you.
me
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