Kicked out of the club

well, the Bobs just slashed me right the fuck out of the company i work for altogether. no contracting anymore even. no nothing. i thought i still had contracting as an option, but that changed today. tears were shed. i made real friends there.

i am now absolutely jobless. unless i take the administrative job my editorial director offered me. that person is leaving for a month. sick leave or something. oh well. whatever. nevermind. the last time i worked a position that didn't require talent...i cried every single day and hated myself with great fury and defeat. elitist? oh well, whatever...you know how the song goes. the funniest thing ever is how upset i got last night when guy showed me my tax forms all fixed up by his company's tax dude. what was upsetting you may say, i mean having someone do your taxes is a dream come true.

how about this: in the space where you write what your occupation is he had written one word. it was not WRITER or ARTIST, as i have felt pride in declaring every year since 1994. no. it was this: ADMINISTRATIVE.

funny, isn't it? now that will actually be true. for a month. i guess.

tears would not stop coming out of my face when my ed.director told me next friday is my last day as an editor...i have never felt SAD about losing a job. i felt SAD about having to leave art department. in fact, got pretty damn depressed over it. but this is involuntary and i feel nothing but SAD SAD SAD. not even scared about the money i won't be bringing in that we desperately need.

just sad. SAD.

the world keeps proving to me time and again that HARD WORK DOES NOT PAY OFF.


in other news that's nice and symbolic: the economy is so bad that Rolling Stone has trimmed it's size to that of Vogue or fucking US Weekly and every other mag. i don't even know how to read it in this format. it feels all wrong. 40 years? 50? how long has RS existed without ever having to change it's signature look?

apparently this is just hitting home for me and i am sitting here confounded, wondering like everyone what the motherfuck is going on in this country.