My cat, my valentine

3 pages of instructions, about how to deal with my ailing cat, have been written for housesitting friends who will be here while guy and i are in louisiana, curing my jones.

it was exhausting to write, it's exhausting to read, it is in fact, exhausting to take care of syd. i'm so afraid he's going to come to the end while we're gone, i gave my housesitting angel-friends my death-desires for him in case they can't reach us if something serious happens: valium shot, euthanasia shot, save the ashes.

i need a support group.

syd is so high maintenance right now. annoyance at that conflicts with my deep love for him. he's been my closest pal for 11 years...he's been the perfect cat for me. smart - listens to me and responds like he understands what i'm saying. intuitive - knows when i'm upset and comforts me. quiet - is not a vocal cat, we always communicated fine without sounds, which can be very annoying to me. i'm so sound-sensitive. he's been perfect for me, for the 11 years i've had him of the 16 years of his life.

until now.

now he will do this meowing thing that won't end. it just doesn't end. i'll look him straight in the face and say, "syd. what. what do you want from me." and we stare at each other and his mouth keeps opening and closing opening and closing opening and closing MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW.

it's like he doesn't know why he does it either. it's like neither of us recognizes this situation at all and we're both tired of it.

to deal with this constant meowing, guy puts a tshirt on syd's head, but this doesn't last long. i throw him q-tips, his favorite toy, but that doesn't last long enough either. all morning long, it's "give me q-tips," it's "put me on the counter," it's "i hate this food. i don't feel like eating but i'm starving. give me something else, figure it out," it's, "figure it out figure it out figure it out." it's, "i haven't eaten in days because i'm sick and my brain isn't right..." MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW.

it's "let me in the bathroom." it's, "let me on your lap even while you're wrapping gifts and eating all at the same time."

it's, "help me, i'm dying."

i tell you what: i can't help him, and it's fucked up.

sometimes i wish he was already dead, because i can't take anymore. then i hate myself because i love him so much and when he's gone i don't know how i will deal with that. i'm sure this is common, but i've never felt it before. it's fucked and i'm on my own.