if i die tonight

everytime before i fly, i seriously consider that i might die. i don't think this when i walk out the door in the morning, or when i cross the street (that's when i think about how i might become paralyzed), or when i'm in a car flying down a freeway at 80 mph. BUT i think about it everytime before i fly. i said goodbye permanently to my cat this morning. i have made arrangements for my friend (J) to take him if i die. (J) loves the little bastard that is Syd and can communicate well with him. my sweetheart said he would take him, but guy really really doesn't like him because Syd is a bastard and guy is not even a cat person. guy runs around yelling "hi cat!" and making a horrible cat-dying meow sound in an excruciatingly loud voice that neither Syd nor i like very much.

as i left the house, i looked at my plants and wondered if guy would move out of the house if i died because, well, with this beautiful garden everywhere, and things that i have touched at every turn, it just might be too much for him. and he would have to leave. in fact, maybe he would have to move back to the east coast so his mom could help him get over the certain insanity that would befall him due to overwhelming grief. the house would go to someone else, they wouldn't care about gardens and it would die, Syd would move downtown into a studio with an artist possessing a cat temperament much like my own, guy would grieve with big red eyes and feelings of deadness and then move on, slowly. he might have girls over to his square apartment in the maryland sticks, and he might sleep with them, but it would hurt, because they wouldn't be me.

if i die tonight.

i have given guy my passwords to everything. if i die tonight he can log on to the jones and tell everyone that i'm dead. he will write a note that explains in very few words how powerfully he loved me.

and that would be it.

as the plane is going down over the midwest, i will awake from my drug and alcohol-induced sleep just long enough to tell guy over and over in my head how much i love him, tell my mom how much i love her and apologize to Syd for abandoning him.

otherwise, C.U.N.T!!!