I'm off to Baltimore, baby! Or should I say "Hon"?!

this is what i expect tonight when i arrive at the oakland airport for my trip to baltimore, taneytown and ocean city, maryland.

i expect there to be long lines at the airport for security, but i expect they will go very quickly and there won't be a lot of children running around, screaming. i expect to be comfortable in my lightweight sweater over a tshirt and lightweight cargo pants. when i get to the security gate, i expect to take of my shoes and walk through without incident. that means no asshole security people making fun of the instinct i have to hold my hands up like i'm being arrested, as i walk through. i expect to find a bar right across from my gate where i will buy a bloody mary for no more than $6.50. i will drink three bloody marys, and eat a tranquilizer pill my doctor gave me because i go insane with anger and rage at airports without them. i expect to get on the plane and see only tall people in the emergency aisle, the way it should be. i won't see any short people sitting there like fat pig gluttons who think they deserve the space that those who are six feet tall and over deserve. i expect when i get to my seat that, although the plane is full, two people in my row who are travelling together won't show up, and i will be able to sleep lying down the way the human body was meant to sleep. this means that when i arrive in baltimore i will not have a stiff neck. i WILL have stinky breath, but i will have easily found some altoids to deposit onto my tongue, so that i may kiss guy with fearless gusto upon arrival.

this is what will happen. i can feel it.

hurray!