Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I'm off to Baltimore, baby! Or should I say "Hon"?!



this is what i expect tonight when i arrive at the oakland airport for my trip to baltimore, taneytown and ocean city, maryland.

i expect there to be long lines at the airport for security, but i expect they will go very quickly and there won't be a lot of children running around, screaming. i expect to be comfortable in my lightweight sweater over a tshirt and lightweight cargo pants. when i get to the security gate, i expect to take of my shoes and walk through without incident. that means no asshole security people making fun of the instinct i have to hold my hands up like i'm being arrested, as i walk through. i expect to find a bar right across from my gate where i will buy a bloody mary for no more than $6.50. i will drink three bloody marys, and eat a tranquilizer pill my doctor gave me because i go insane with anger and rage at airports without them. i expect to get on the plane and see only tall people in the emergency aisle, the way it should be. i won't see any short people sitting there like fat pig gluttons who think they deserve the space that those who are six feet tall and over deserve. i expect when i get to my seat that, although the plane is full, two people in my row who are travelling together won't show up, and i will be able to sleep lying down the way the human body was meant to sleep. this means that when i arrive in baltimore i will not have a stiff neck. i WILL have stinky breath, but i will have easily found some altoids to deposit onto my tongue, so that i may kiss guy with fearless gusto upon arrival.

this is what will happen. i can feel it.

hurray!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is one of the best posts you've written. Very nice.

lou jones said...

thanks eric! wow!

Anonymous said...

But what about the obese woman who will suddenly lose her mind mid-flight and start screaming "Where is my Stratocaster?"