Wedding

my little sister (age 32 - but only five feet tall, therefore "little") is getting married on saturday. i'm not her maid of honor but i am the only candidate for making a speech. her maid of honor is developmentally challenged and our other sister is anti-social and cannot talk in front of people. so it's me.

this morning on the bus i started crying thinking about what i would say. i'm not even sure i'll be able to get any of it out without crying. the tears come so easily. i was picturing maybe i could stand up there with guy and he could read my speech for me. i could hold his arm and cry right next to him. OR i could do it in sign language. then i could cry and communicate at the same time.

my sister has been through some really shitty stuff in life and she has a good man now and he is so sweet and kind to her...this is what kills me.

if i was an actress, this is the stuff i would think about to make myself cry on cue.

after i got off the bus this morning, i cried some more while walking down the street. it started with a thought of how much my grandparents would appreciate my sister's fiance, if they were still here. this makes my heart grow bigger and bigger in my chest and then expand into my blood vessels, which spread the ever growing emotional snowball to all parts of my body until i feel like someone has stuck an airhose down my throat and is filling me up like an aerobed.

i guess this is love. it can be too big for our bodies.